I just called Gram. One of these days, maybe she will call me. If she can "get through." I heard her television blaring in the background. I asked her what she was watching. "I don't know. Somethin'." Gram asked me what I was watching. I told her "Gossip Girl". She said "Yeah," a few times. Then, my cell phone lost its signal. I knew there would be trouble. After 14 attempts to reach her, (during which time I think Gram was probably saying "yeah," to no one,) I finally got a hold of her. She screamed, "HONEY BUNCH, WHAT HAPPENED?" I told her my phone lost service. "HEH?" I again told her my phone lost service. "Yeah." she said. I asked if she went to church yesterday as planned. She had. "Did you learn anything new?" I asked. "No, not really." she said.
Gram asked me if baseball was on tonight. I told her it wasn't, but football was on. "I don't like football." she said. I told her I also hated the sport. I looked through my guide some more and told her plenty of scary movies were on. "They can all go jump in the lake." she said. I asked her if she liked watching golf. She told me she did. I saw that "Dancing With The Stars" was on and I asked Gram if she liked the show. "I don't know who she is." she said. I've never met her either.
Gram asked me if I started my new job. I told her for the 18th time that I start next Monday. "That'll be good." she said. "Ya comin' home this weekend?" I told her I was. I was in the middle of asking her if she would like to go to lunch on Saturday when she said, "I look forward to seeing you dear. Bye now."
Here's a random video of Gram from my nephews' birthday party. In addition to telling me to buy the boys cards (nothing expensive), she also asked the same of my mother. (Kathy Lang did a bang-up job and only found one card that said, "Great Grandson.")
I just called Gram. I asked what she was doing today. "Laying low," she said. I told her I was too, and that I was dog sitting for Calvin, my brother's dog. "That's good," she said. I asked what she was doing. "Watching golf," she said. "I tried looking for a damn baseball game, but it's not on." I told her the Yankees were playing tonight at 7:57. She said she was looking forward to that. "I tried calling you the other day, honey bunch, but I couldn't get through." I asked what number she called. "TWO ONE TWO-TWO SEVEN EIGHT." She told me she was certain she dialed the right number. Usually dialing six digits doesn't work, but I didn't say that to Gram.
Gram asked me how my friends were. I told her that I had great news. "Meggie and Kerry are both engaged." I told her Kerry was getting married in 2011 and Meggie would be getting married in 2010. "What church?" she asked. I told her I wasn't sure. "How old are they?" I told her Kerry was 26 and Meggie was 25. "Wow," she said. "That's exciting. How old are you going to be?" she asked. I said I was offended that as her favorite grandchild she didn't know my age. "I kind of forgot, 27?" I gasped and told her I was going to be 26 and not to get ahead of herself. I asked her how old she was going to be. "EIGHTY SIX." Then I asked if she remembered the day I was born. "Yeah." There was no elaboration.
I told Gram that I got a flu shot on Thursday. "I have never had a flu shot in my life. That's the truth." I asked her why she hadn't. "All of my allergies. I am allergic to that penicillin." she said. "Are you allergic to anything?" I was tempted to tell her that I might be allergic to alcohol due to the blotches that appear when I drink. However, that would just give her more reason to call me "party girl".
I asked if she was keeping my letter in a frame. "Yeah," she said. I knew she was lying. "I am going to send you a letter, but I have to send a spiritual bouquet first." she said. Whoever that bouquet is going to, I hope they thank her. "Then I have to find my stamps. I promise I will send you a letter after that." She asked when I was coming home. I told her Halloween. "Maybe we can do something with the twins." she said. I told her that maybe we could. "Have a nice day." she said. I returned the well wishes and told her that I loved her. "I do too, honey bunch. Bye now."
I tried calling Gram right after work yesterday. She told her nurse to tell me to call her back after 6:30. She said she would be in her bedroom by then using her louder phone. You all know which phone that is. In case you don't, here's a reminder:
I didn't remember to call Gram back until 11:00. Since she has called me past this time, I figured there was nothing to lose.
I was at Sam's watching a scary movie and drinking a jug of wine. Sam wanted to hear Gram so I put her on speaker phone. The last time I called Gram past 10 p.m., she said, "What time do you think I go to bed?" This time, however, she was wide awake. I told her I was at my friend Sam's. She said, "Yeah." Then she asked, "When ya comin' home?" I told her I would be home Halloween weekend. "Thanksgiving?" she said. I repeated, "HALLOWEEN." She said, "Thanksgiving?" I again repeated, "OCTOBER 31st, HALLOWEEN." She said, "Your birthday?" She then proceeded to tell me my birthday was November 28th. At least she got the date right.
Gram told me (us, unknowingly) that she was watching the baseball game. "THE NEW YORK YANKEES AGAINST THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS." She then asked, "How's your apartment? Do you need any furniture?" I told her my apartment was great, but I needed a bureau. She said, "That's too bad, I just gave away my mirror."
I again told Gram I was at my friend Sam's. She again said, "Yeah." Gram told me she looked forward to seeing me. In her head, that will be at Easter. "Love ya honey bunch. Bye now."
In other 85-year-old women updates: Richard's grandmother again wrote a check out to him as Bichard. Also, when he dropped her off this week she asked him to fix her TV. Then she wanted him to put on channel 402. When he looked at the title, it was "Naughty Nurses." She was probably trying to find the ball game.
I typed Gram a letter last week because I knew it would cheer her up. I told my friend Chris and he asked if was 445 pages long in a size 80 font. I kept it short. See below. (This is the body of the letter. The actual letter I sent included a picture and was on blue paper.)
I called Gram Saturday morning to let her know that I would pick her up at 2:00 for the boys birthday party. The first thing she said was, "Why so late? Your mother was going to pick me up at 1:30." I told her that my mother was originally going to pick her up at 2:30. "YOU'RE PICKING ME UP AT 2:30?" she screamed. I told her I would see her at two. I was looking forward to seeing her reaction to my letter. I took video of the interaction, but I was trying not to make it obvious. Phyllis gets agitated with the camera sometimes. I apologize for the Blair Witch like filming.
A few weeks ago, Phyllis bought a plant for her neighbor Eddie. I picked it out and I placed it on his front step. Eddie, if you're reading this, you might want to thank her. As she strolled down the ramp she pointed to a plant hanging near Eddie's front door, "Is that the plant we picked out for him?" I told her it was. "That son of a gun never thanked me," she said. "Or you." I told her that he didn't have my number.
We arrived at the party fashionably early. Tony, my brother-in-law, set out some cashews and peanuts on the coffee table. Gram remarked that she didn't have any cereal at her house. I wasn't sure what brought on the random statement until she asked if I was going to have any cornflakes. I told her they were peanuts. She laughed. Gram proceeded to write a check to my sister. I happened to glance at the check. This is what I found:
I think she wrote it two days ago as Gram was born in 1924. We didn't tell her of the mistake. Gram asked me what I was doing after the birthday party. I told her I had to go to another party. She rolled her eyes and said, "I will have to start calling you party girl." After the eye roll she asked me what kind of party I was attending. She answered before I could, "A strip party?" I wonder what would make Gram think I would go to a strip party. It must be my over sized sweaters and the fact that my 85-year-old grandmother is my first speed dial number. Wild.
The family was sitting around the table when my sister announced dessert was ready. I was talking to someone when Phyllis started tapping my shoulder. "Go get me some dessert. There's cake!" she said. I listened to her. I brought her dessert and I asked her what she was going to be for Halloween. "Who knows?" she said. I told her I was going to be a stripper. She raised her eyebrows. A few minutes went by. "Don't be that for Halloween," she said. I told her I was kidding. She then asked if I was going to church yet. I told her no. She replied, "There's still time."
I called Gram last night to hear her gush about what a wonderful job my sister did. "What a lovely party," she said. "I told Meaghan today just how lovely it was." (Her teeth were out.) I don't think Gram would be impressed if I threw a party. I don't cook or bake Elmo cupcakes. I drink. She asked who made the lasagna roll-ups. I told her I did. "You're kidding," she said. That was true. I asked what she was doing. "Watching the ball game," she said. She informed me that my Aunt Mary stopped by. "Mary told me they are all upchuckin' at their house. I don't need any of that." I agreed with her. I told her that I was looking forward to receiving a letter from her. She told me her typewriter was broken. "It's so nice hearing from you, honey bunch," she said. "Keep in touch."
I went to the Celtics game yesterday with my tall Egyptian friend Richard. He knows all about Phyllis and her antics, so we decided to call her and see what she was doing. "Hi Gram," I yelled. "HI HONEY BUNCH," she screamed. " I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU." We all know that wasn't true. I told her I was at the basketball game with an Egyptian. She said, "Yeah. I like baseball." She then told me she was looking forward to seeing me on Saturday. "CAN YOU BUY ME SOME DIAPERS FOR THE TWINS BIRTHDAY?" I told her I would. "Nothing expensive," she advised. She told me again that she liked baseball. She said some other stuff too, but Richard and I were both laughing after drinking a few beers and now I cannot remember what she was saying. I should mention Richard's grandmother and Phyllis would be great friends. His grandmother once wrote a check to him and spelled his name Bichard. She also thought a mouse was harassing her in her sleep. Turns out it was a squirrel.
Since I couldn't recall the entire conversation I had with Phyllis yesterday, I called her tonight. "I'm watching baseball, are you?" I told her no, I did not watch unless it was the Red Sox. "The Phillies are playing the Rockies! The Phillies are winning TWO TO ONE." She told me this four times. Then she went on to say, "OH! I FORGOT TO TELL YOU! BUY ME TWO CARDS FOR THE BOYS!" Again she said, "nothing expensive." I said I would do that for her. She seemed pleased. After this exchange, she asked when I was coming home. I told her I would be home Saturday. "THAT'LL BE GOOD!" She told me a nurse was hired to help her two hours each day. My mom told me last week on the nurse's first day she asked Gram what she could do to help her. "You can grab a broom and sweep my ramp. Then you can sweep my driveway." Someone had to explain to Gram that the nurse was not her maid. My guess is she wasn't pleased.
Gram told me that the weather was going to be awful tomorrow. She then asked how I liked living "down there." I told her that I loved living in Boston. She said she was so happy for me. She "really was." I asked what she was wearing to the boys birthday party. "I don't know. It depends on the weather." She said it was so nice to hear from me and that she was looking forward to seeing me Saturday. I said, "you must miss me." She replied, "yeah. It was nice talking to you honey bunch. Love ya."
I called Gram tonight. We screamed for about four minutes. I asked her what she was doing. "Resting," she said. She told me she was going to call me last night, but my phone was in the other room. I said, "my phone was in the other room?" She clarified that my phone number was in the other room. I wouldn't want to impose on her to walk to the other room to look up my number. Then she tried reciting my number."TWO! ONE! TWO!" I stopped her at the second two. I yelled, "TWO! ONE! EIGHT!" Then she said, "what's after that?" I said, "seven." She said, "I don't think so." Ok. I tried giving her the rest of my number, but she had already moved on to telling me she had a delicious shepherd's pie for dinner.
Gram told me her lamp was broken. I think she meant her light bulb was out. She told me she was afraid to change the channel on her television as she doesn't like dealing with electricity. Again, she asked me when I was "comin home." I told her I would see her at the boys birthday party. "THAT'LL BE GOOD! CALL ME TOMORROW!" I hung up before trying to tell her that I would call her tomorrow as she had already hung up on me.
Since our conversation tonight ended rather abruptly, (then again, what else is new?) I will share this Phyllis tidbit. A few weeks ago, Gram started taking a new medicine in addition to her twenty or so prescriptions. Unrelated to this new prescription, I asked Gram if she liked wine. "Ohhh, I can't have that now," she said. "Not with my new prescription." I was just being a wise ass, though I was curious if Gram had ever liked wine. However, Gram has never had a sip of alcohol in front of me, but now, it's her new prescription that prevents her from drinking. Listening to Gram speak got me to thinking, maybe Gram is where I get my drinking voice from. Her voice is high pitched. When I drink with friends, I tend to get what my friend Vinnie labeled my seagull voice. It's very high pitched. I liked to think that it was my Nana. Before she passed away she said would return to this life as a seagull. Now, I am thinking, maybe I just sound like Gram and inevitably, I will have her voice. I have video of Gram's voice-the "flattered?" clip and my seagull voice coming out this past weekend below. Now, I wonder, is it Nana? Or, is it Phyllis? (Ignore the fact that I thought my picture was being taken. Silly.) If it's Nana, she's lucky. I would love to return to this life when my youngest granddaughter got drunk.
I just called Gram. She answered on the second ring. Impressive. Her first question was, "when ya comin' home?" I told her I would be home for the boys birthday. "That'll be good!" She screamed. I asked if she watched Grey's Anatomy. She said, "Yeah, I feel better." I told her that was great. I asked again (as though it were the first time) if she watched Grey's. "No, I've been watching baseball." Baseball is her life.
Gram asked where I was. I was in the middle of screaming that I was at my apartment when she asked me another question. I was still screaming into the mouthpiece when she repeated herself. She enunciated every word as though I were the one with the hearing problem. "WHAT. IS. YOUR. MOTHER. UP. TO?" I told her I didn't know since she didn't call me back. (Thanks, Kath.) I asked Gram what she had for supper. I say supper, because Gram considers lunch as dinner. She had a grinder. "MARY BOUGHT ME A GRINDER." Last weekend when I was out with Gram, I asked her what she had for supper the night before. She said, "some ice cream bars. You know, Klondike." I acted as though that were something I would never do and said that probably wasn't too healthy. She then asked me what I had. "Wine," I replied. A smug look formed on her face after my response. We don't judge each other.
I was in the middle of screaming another question when Gram said, "KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! LOVE YA, DEAR!"
I told her I loved her too, but not before she hung up to watch more baseball.
Here's a video of Phyllis about a year ago with my nephew, Nicholas. Classic Gram.
