"Where'd you get that extra year?"

I called Gram tonight thinking I would only be able to leave her a message.  A man with a thick and what I presume to be Jamaican accent answered and went so far as to find Gram and bring her to the phone.  Thank you, kind sir.

Before I could say a word, Gram screamed, "HI MEREDITH!"  I didn't even tell the gentleman my name. "I was going to call you today, but I only had a dollar." she said.  "Only FOUR ONE THREE phone numbers are free."  Again, I told Gram that I had a 413 number.  "Where are ya?"  Gram thinks my being in Boston even with a 413 area code means she would have to pay.  I am going to have to explain this in detail when I see Gram on Thursday. 

Gram asked how my vacation at Robert's was.  (I was there for 20 hours.)  I told her I had a wonderful time in Marblehead.  "I keep busy, busy here."  she said.  "With occupational therapy, physical therapy, Bingo."  I asked if she won at Bingo and she replied, "Yeah." From talking to Kathy Lang prior to Gram, I knew Gram received her Christmas card:

I told Gram that I had heard she received a special card in the mail.  "Oh, that's right!  I sure did."  She went on to say that she loved my card and it was "full of chuckles" and was "fun".  I have a tendency of giving funny cards, whereas my sister always gives "lovely" cards.  A few birthdays ago, Meaghan did not have time to get Gram a birthday card.  I being the best sister, said I would pick one out.  I picked out a wise-ass  card from myself and a laced schmaltz one from Meaghan.  Gram smirked at my card.  When she opened Meaghan's she nearly cried and said, "Oh. Meaghan.  You always pick out the loveliest cards."  She sure does.

 "The young man that answered the phone asked me how old my daughter was." Gram said.  "I told him, 'That's not my daughter, that's my granddaughter.'"  Gram's voice became even higher when she quoted herself.  "I told him you were 25."  I corrected Gram and told her I was 26.  "YOU'RE NINETEEN?"  I laughed and repeated 26.  "Where'd you get that extra year?"  she asked.  "1983."  I replied.  She chuckled at that. "The young man wants to meet ya. He told me he did!"  I am not sure if this is true or not, but I yelled at Gram and told her that I would not be dating her nurses aide (that she met in rehab).  I hope she doesn't give him my phone number.

Back to the card.  Gram asked when I was coming to visit.  I told her Thursday.  "Bring me some pens!  And some stamps!"  I told her I would.  "Honest to God, Honey Bunch.  And, I am not lying,"  Gram started to say. "I wanted to write you back, but I don't have any pens.  I mean that."  I believe that she didn't have a pen. However, I know (we all know) that she would not have written me back. 

"Well Honey Bunch, I look forward to seein' you on Thursday."  I told Gram the same and that I would call her to find out her schedule.  Cross your fingers for Bingo.

Lost Phyllis phootage.

Christmas Eve is the day before Christmas.

Back to back posts. It must be Christmas.  I was so worried I would somehow miss Gram's call tonight.  I worked a bit late and after work had to get new sneakers so I can actually take advantage of my new gym membership.  My original plan was to go tomorrow morning.  Then I read that they take your picture and decided going tomorrow evening would be the better route.  There is no way I can look that cute at 5:30 a.m.  It's possible, but then I remembered my ex comparing me to Animal on the muppet babies when he woke me up before six.

I digress.  Like I said, I was worried about missing Gram's call.  I had told Nurse Peggy to have Gram call me between 6 and 6:30.  At 6:16, my phone rang.  "HI MEREDITH!"  I was walking down Beacon St. and screaming, "HI GRAM!"  Luckily, I don't care what people think.  Gram told me that Thursday was Christmas Eve.  Thanks.  "It's Marcia Flanagan's birthday. Christmas Eve is the day before Christmas."  I had no idea.  She asked what I was doing for the holiday.  I told her I was going to Robert's.  "WHO?"  I repeated "Robert" and she got it the second time.  For some reason she is under the assumption that I am staying at Robert's until New Year's Eve.  I tried telling her that I have a job and would not be bunking at my older brother's for a week, but the screaming got to be a bit much.  I finally just said, "Yes, I will be there until next Wednesday." I told Gram I would be coming home for New Year's and we would have some fun visits.  I need to find a great Danielle Steel book.  Another one with the recommendation for "librarians to stock up."

I asked Gram how the food was.  Four times.  Finally she said, "Oh.  The phone is wonderful.  I can hear you loud and clear!"  That made me laugh.  I have no idea how the food is, but delighted that Gram thinks the phone works wonderfully.  Unfortunately, Gram couldn't talk long.  She did tell me her roommate was nice, but further explanation from Kathy Lang is that the woman leaves her light on too long.  Gift idea number 2:

Gram told me she would be calling Marcia on Thursday to wish her a happy birthday.  "I will call you Thursday at the same time.  Between 6 and 6:30.  How's that sound Honey Bunch?"  I told her that sounded great.  "Ok, Honey Bunch.  Love ya!"  I told her I loved her and Gram replied, "Be good!"

I can't wait until Thursday.

If I don't post before then, happy holidays. Thanks for reading.

Love,

Phyllis and Honey Bunch.

Here's a video of Gram playing with Anthony.  This may have been Easter.

Humpty Dumpty.

Like I mentioned in the previous post, it is not so easy to get in touch with Gram nowadays.  However, I received a surprise phone call Saturday afternoon.  Gram called from my aunt's cell phone.  "MEREDITH!  IS IT YOU?"  I told her it was, indeed, me.  "I TRIED CALLING YOU LAST NIGHT, BUT THE NURSE SAID I WAS SHORT A NUMBER." she screamed.  I was floored.  I just like that I have told her this many times and she always shrugged me off.  Then, she meets Nurse Beth, or whomever, and their word is gold.  Thanks, Phyllis.

Gram informed me she was doing ok, but would rather be home. Gram told me it was very expensive to be talking to me and that she had to keep the call short.  "BYE NOW HONEY BUNCH!  LOVE YA!"  She doesn't get the concept that cell phones usually have plans that include weekend minutes. 

I tried reaching Gram last night.  No luck.  I was able to leave a message for her tonight though. An hour later I received a phone call and it was Nurse Peggy.  Gram had Nurse Peggy let me know that she had received my message and she wanted to know when a good time to call me tomorrow would be.  Peggy went on to say, "She also wanted me to tell you things are 'humpty dumpty'."  We weren't sure of the meaning, but it sounded like something Phyllis would say.  Peggy told me that all the nurses think Gram is a "real sweetheart." That's what people think of me when they first me.  Until you get to know me and find that I am quite a jackass.  Not that Gram is a jackass, there's just more than meets the eye.  I say that with great admiration.

Due to our short conversation, I don't have much to blog about.  Lately, I have been wondering what other topics I could talk about on Phyllis. I didn't come up with much:

Cooking-I can tell you how not to.
Fashion-When I went to visit my friend Meg recently, her boyfriend informed me I looked homeless. (He was right.  Thanks, Joe.)
Traveling-I went to Los Angeles once.
Sports-I have sports asthma. Plus, I only like baseball.
Celebrities-I am only one in my mind.
Dating-you actually have to.

I guess my worry is people will not care if it's not about Gram.  I can't say I blame them. I don't know Bichard's grandmother so I can't start calling her.  I totally would, but she would have me put in jail.  Just an update, Bichard recently slept over his grandmother's house (to ward off the young men robbing her) and she made him a breakfast of mashed hard boiled eggs, salt and butter.  Oh, and uncooked bacon (initially, then it was burnt to a crisp.)  This was her most recent purchase:

I bet Gram would like one. 

I will continue my blogging brainstorm, but in the meantime, I hope to hear from Gram tomorrow and update everyone of her status. And maybe figure out what "humpty dumpty" means.  Until then.

Rehab and Danielle Steel.

Gram is in rehab.  Fifth visit perhaps.  Anyway, unfortunately, it's not due to drug use.  During one of her first visits to rehab I told people it was for crystal meth.  Or cocaine.  I can't remember.  The real story is that she fell. Phyllis just can't get around the way she used to.  Due to not having contact information, it took me until this past weekend to get a hold of her.  I now can call her, but that means very little since she cannot hear a word I am saying.  However, (and this might be great for her self-esteem) Gram thinks that I have a hearing problem.

When I called tonight, her nurse answered.  The nurse immediately asked if I was Meredith.  "She's very happy that it's you." Nurse Beth said.  But of course.  I enjoy being a bit of celebrity in rehab.  Everyone should have their 15 minutes of fame somewhere. I didn't sleep with Tiger Woods, so I will take what I can get. "HI HONEY BUNCH! HOW ARE YA?" Gram screamed.  I told her I was good. Gram told me the names of every nurse she has encountered in rehab. She sounded like a popular student. "There's Lisa, then Beth and my roommate is CATALINA!" I asked what she had for dinner.  "A baked potato with a hole in it."  I haven't a clue what she meant by that, but it makes me laugh that she probably told everyone within distance of the hole in her potato. Gram also enjoyed string beans, sliced pineapple and "pink, pink jello."

"Your mother came to visit me today and asked me how you were.  Haven't ya called her lately?"  I told Gram that I had just talked to Mom.  "You sure you're not fibbin'?"  she asked.  I really had just talked to mom.  She told me Gram was reading a Danielle Steel book all day.  I couldn't wait to hear more.  I asked her if she was reading a book.  Her first response was, "That'll be good." Then she asked how Meaghan was.  Finally she heard me.  "I'm reading a book.  It's called ECHOES.  It's by Danielle Steel!"  She told me it was a combination of German and "ya know."  Thankfully she divulged more a moment later.  "It's about Christianity and the Germans."  I (obviously) looked up this book.  Here's a description:

"...At novel's beginning, it is 1915, and Beata Wittgenstein, daughter of a German banker, falls in love with Antoine de Vallerand, a French aristocrat. Because Antoine is Catholic, Beata's enraged father expels her from the family, proclaiming her dead. Beata moves to Switzerland, marries Antoine, converts to Catholicism, and has two daughters. The two live happily, despite missing their families (Antoine has been cast out of his family for marrying a Jew). ...Beata, who has lived as a Catholic for nearly 20 years, feels she is safe--in fact, her daughter, Amadea, has taken vows as a Carmelite nun-- but she watches in horror as her family members are shipped off to concentration camps.  Librarians should stock up."

I like the advice for librarians. Do they peruse the Internet for reviews like this and write "Echoes" on their steno pad?  I asked Gram what page she was on.  "I don't think so." she replied.  I knew she was up to page 94, because Kathy Lang told me earlier.  Gram is a speed reader like me.  After the conversation about Danielle Steel, it went downhill.  Gram could no longer hear me.  I screamed her name repeatedly.  (My poor roommates.) At one point I said, "OK GRAM.  I AM GOING TO CHURCH NOW." No response.  After a minute of silence Gram started saying my name.  "Meredith, oh Meredith?"  I was yelling back "WHAT?" Yet, she thought I couldn't hear her.  This happened for ten minutes. Since I have been fighting a cold for a week, my voice couldn't take the screaming.  Gram told me she better go and I didn't fight her.  She told me she loved me twice and I told her I would call her tomorrow.  I wish Gram could Skype.

Older video of Gram.  My nephew Anthony must wonder, "what the f is wrong with my family?"  He's been exposed to a lot.  Webbie Debbie, wigs, a nameless goldfish that met it's demise a day after purchase...

"That's Meredith's doll."

I was in western MA this weekend, but had no chance to visit Gram.  Very unfortunately so.  I was surprise party hoppin' with Webbie Debbie.  I really wanted Gram to meet her. I brought her to both parties.  Friday night was Meggie's mom's.  WD was hidden under Meggie and Vinnie's sheets.  I could barely contain myself.  I went up to bed around 2.  Meggie flung open the bedroom door at 4, shaking WD and laughing.  "I can't believe you brought her!" she screamed.  Really? The following night was my brother-in-law's surprise party.  Earlier in the day, I introduced WD to my nephews.  Here's Anthony and Deb:

Anthony didn't know what to think as seen above.  Nicholas took a liking to her and sat her down to play with his toys.  Both boys tried putting her in the toilet, but I screamed.  I asked Nicholas who was prettier, Titi or Webbie Debbie.  "Deb." he replied. I can't even say he might need glasses, because he wears them. At the party,  my parents and I were looking at the pictures of WD on my camera.  My mom thought it would be a good idea to show other guests.  Tony's cousin asked who she was.  "Oh, that's Meredith's doll." she said.  (Without providing further explanation.)  I had to jump in and explain the story behind WD's purchase.  I have to say though, this freakdoll was a hit.  When Angela saw WD at the party, my sister told me she knew immediately who she was. "It's Webbie Debbie!"  she said.  Angela's definitely a loyal blog reader.  (Thanks!) I hope to take WD to the movies this week.  "Two tickets to New Moon please." 

I returned to Boston this afternoon via the Peter Pan bus.  My mom came along for the ride to drop me off.  I told my sister I hoped they didn't search my bags.  If security found Webbie Debbie, a bottle of wine and the Twilight DVD in my bag, I might be arrested.  Lucky for me, no search occurred. My mom's reason for coming along was so she could take a picture of me boarding the bus.  It was only slightly embarrassing to have your mom photograph you in front of 19-year-old college students.  Kath asked if I would take my doll out of the bag, but I firmly told her no. 

Upon returning to Boston, I napped (without the doll) and later called Gram to see what she was up to. "Honest to God, I was just thinkin' about you." she said.  "I wouldn't lie."  Sure.  She told me she wanted to call me, but she was going to make sure the number was right.  Gram asked how I have been doing and I told her I have been busy.  She told me maybe a lull would come up.  "Know what I mean by lull?"  she asked.  I didn't answer her before she could tell me the definition of lull.  "Ya know, a drop in stuff?"  I acted as though she had just taught me the meaning of the word.  Gram was pleased.  She told me she made some "chow" for dinner.  "Chicken soup and some turkey breast with cheese." she said.  I assume she made a sandwich.  I asked if she has been eating gran crackers lately.  "Yes and no." she laughed.  She asked what I had for dinner.  I told her I had ravioli.  "Out of a can?" she asked.  I do love Chef Boyardee ravioli and that is a common meal of mine, but I actually just purchased some pumpkin ravioli at the grocery store.  Gram was impressed when I told her I had to boil water for my ravioli.

I told Gram I joined a gym.  "Oh? Good for you!" she said.  "How's your radio going?" she asked. I told her it was going great and that I could play CD's on it.  She was surprised at that and now she seems to want one herself. "What do you want for Christmas?"  I asked.  "Nothin'!  Not one thing." I asked what she thought about Tiger Woods.  "I'm sick of it all!  It's trash.  Every little detail."  she said.  I have to agree.  Gram told me she was tired.  I suggested she find a Christmas movie to watch and get some rest.  She said she would.  "Bye Honey Bunch.  I will call you.  I promise!"  It's a good thing Gram and I aren't dating.  If I say by the phone and waited her to call we would never last.

Here's video of Gram. Not much happens.  Maybe I will interview her at Christmas.

3Some Sex Squad

I knew that title would grab your attention.  I received a text from Bichard yesterday.  When he went to his grandmother's house, this was the title of the movie on her television.  I am glad Gram watches baseball and westerns.  If she watched porn, that would make me uncomfortable.  I can only imagine what she would say, "Too much humpin!"  Or something like that.

Gram and I got our fill of each other last week.  Thanksgiving and my birthday.  Thanksgiving was good.  I was sick and hung over, but still managed to enjoy myself.  After eating, we all retired in my sister's family room to watch tv and look through the Black Friday ads.  Gram became restless and decided to help clean up.  Here's a picture of her loading items on her walker.

I was resting on the couch when Gram yelled to me from the kitchen.  "MEREDITH!  I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED, BUT COME HERE!"  I wish Gram could respect my hangovers more.  I got up and she proceeded to point out all of the small items on the floor.  The "small items" were mainly paraphernalia  from our holiday poppers.  My family wears paper crowns on holidays.  I bet Richard Simmons and Webbie Debbie do too.  She pointed to some mashed potatoes near the oven.  I told her it would be mopped up.  She said, "I understand if you don't want to pick it up.  That's fine.  Someone might just slip and fall and hurt their scalp."  As I picked the potatoes up I thought to myself that she was watching too many westerns if the scalp was her choice body part for being injured.

After I picked up the floor, I made ourselves some tea and Gram ate three of my sister's pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  She told me she was worried she wouldn't be able to take any home.  At one point she pulled me aside and told me someone was taking all of the cookies.  She thought a bag of biscuits were her beloved pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  I gave her most of the cookies.  Mainly out of selfishness because I thought they were disgusting. Sorry Meaghan.

The rest of Thanksgiving was uneventful.  We made plans with Gram to go to lunch for my birthday on Saturday.  Saturday came and I was still sick and napping at my sister's when the phone rang.  It was Gram.  I screamed, "DON'T ANSWER!"  I knew she would sing.  Here is this year's version on video.  (One of them.)



Each year she sounds different.  But, she always sings, "Love, Gram(mmm)"  I called Gram back and she told me she would like to sing for me.  I will post that video next time.  (My sister has the video on her computer.) After being serenaded twice by Phyllis, Meaghan and I met Gram and my mother at Leone's for lunch.  Gram bought me an alarm clock.  I decided I needed one after leaving my phone and iPod Touch at work.  I came home a tad drunk and realized I didn't have an alarm clock.  By the grace of someone, I woke up on time for work.  She also gave me two cards.  Clearly, I am the favorite grandchild.  Mom gave me some luggage and Twilight on DVD.  Big mistake.  I will never leave the house. 

Throughout the day, I took seven or eight doses of Dayquil (obviously safe) in order to get my party on at my birthday at the casino.  I had never been and Meggie planned quite the fiesta for me.  I had a wonderful time, but I forgot to take my Zantac.  That resulted in super blotch.  I walked up to Chris and said, "Chris, the blotches are bad."  He said, "No they're not."  I then pulled open my sweater revealing my neck.  He said, "Whoaaa," and backed away slowly.   I Googled my disorder again and found another nickname for it.  Big Blush.  I look forward to that being my nickname for life.  One of many.  With that said, thank you, Meggie for making my birthday so wonderful!

Maidzilla and Bridezilla.  Before Big Blush set in.