NEAR THE FOOD

Gram and I had plans for lunch on Saturday.  I like to call Gram prior to my arrival to be sure she's ready.  Especially after last weekend's toothless experience.  I called her four times.  Each time she picked up and screamed, "HELLO?"  I would scream back, "HI GRAM." She hung up each time. I decided to take my chances and just go over. I got to her house at 12:30.  I was on her doorstep and her house was shaking.  I thought it was the television, but when I walked in her radio was on the highest volume.  She was listening to The Irish Hour.  The first words out of her mouth were, "Verizon can go to hell!"  Apparently, it's the phone that's broken.  Not her hearing aids.  I just nodded and feigned agreement.  I had gone out the night before and could not bear to scream for ten minutes that there was not a problem with the phone.

We decided to go to Fazio's.  Perfect food since my morning buzz was beginning to wear off. There were two other diners in there.  When the waitress came over, Gram asked what kind of soda was available.  She decided on root beer.  Great choice for a diabetic.  For her meal, Gram ordered chicken salad, which would have been fine if it was on the menu.  She settled on tuna on wheat bread.  I ordered chicken marsala.  While waiting for our meals I asked Gram what mayor she was going to vote for.  She replied, "Am I going to the four?"  I said, "WHAT MAYOR ARE YOU VOTING FOR?"  She said, "What about Meaghan?"  I gave up.  After a few minutes of screaming dialogue, Gram screamed, "It's nice and quiet in here!" I am not sure who it was quiet for.  I heard the other diners say they thought Gram was hard of hearing.  As if that were a stretch.  We finished our meals and headed home. On the ride home, the Beastie Boys were on the radio,  Paul Revere.  I asked Gram if she liked the song.  She said she did.


I hung out at her house for a bit.  She told me I should nap.  Mainly because that's what she wanted to do.  I talked on the phone while Gram dozed.  I woke her up for church.  When I left Gram said, "Call me if you want to do something tomorrow."

I managed to reach Gram later that night. She asked me how I got through.  I told her I didn't know and asked if she wanted to go to breakfast.  She said she did and asked if my sister and the kids would be going.  I told her that was possible.  She said, "I had a feeling they would come."  I asked what time she wanted me to pick her up.  She told me I could call the shots.  We made plans for "quarter past nine."

I got to Gram's the next morning at the scheduled time.  She told me to grab four plastic envelopes from the other room.  I asked which room. "In there," she pointed.  She pointed at a wall.  I took that to mean the kitchen.  Once in the kitchen, I realized I had no idea what plastic envelopes were.  I asked where they were.  "NEAR THE FOOD!"  At this point, Gram was getting annoyed with me.  I told her I didn't know what plastic envelopes were and "near the food" was rather vague.  She picked up her walker, turned around and made her way to the kitchen.  I followed her in and she pointed to below the microwave.  Apparently, small plastic envelopes are sandwich bags.  "How many kids does Meaghan have?  Three?"  I said yes, three.  She ordered me to grab three.  I had no idea what they were for and I still don't.  I think they are still in my bag or hers.

Gram fell asleep on the ride to Denny's.  Breakfast was uneventful.  Gram asked my sister if she another kid in her back pocket.  Other than that, things were tame.  She enjoyed seeing the boys and Annabella.  She thought Nicholas had red in his hair.  I told her no, but maybe my kids will have red hair.  She smirked and raised her eyebrows.

We finished our breakfasts and said our goodbyes.  I brought Gram home and she was tired.  She told me she could never figure out what channel the "damn baseball" games were on.  I found the channel for her.  When I turned on the television, the church station was on.  I do not know how Gram watches that nun pray out loud.  I would pray for her to stop.  I will post the video below.  I do not recommend watching as it is awful, but I want people to know who I am talking about. (Side note:  Sometimes, I will catch my atheist father watching the nuns pray.  He gets so angry and yells at the television and wonder aloud who watches this shit.  Well, that would be you.  This is one of many shows he puts on and gets angry about, but it makes me laugh every time.)

I told Gram I had to get going.  She said, "Get that gum out of my purse!"  This was the gum from two or three weeks ago. "It says "Extra" on it!"  I found my gum in her purse and took it.  This seemed to please her.  I gave her a kiss goodbye and told her I loved her and the game would be on at 1:00.  She smiled until she looked out the window.  "Goddamn rain," she said.  "I don't know if baseball will be on."  There's always church.

"When ya comin' home?"

I was in bed by 10:45 last night.  I woke about 15 minutes later to Gram calling me.  Since this is a rarity, I picked up.  "I didn't wake you did I?"  I yawned and told her she hadn't.  I asked her how her day had gone.  She told me it was ok.  She then told me she would pay me a "fair price' to do something for her since I was good at math.  I asked about four times what she wanted me to do, but I couldn't hear her because of my fan.  Due to the fact that I have roommates and didn't want to scream "what" repeatedly, I gave up.  Gram told me she would let me go to bed.  I thanked her and told her to think about where she wanted to go for lunch on Saturday.

I called Gram right after work today.  "When ya comin' home?"  I reminded her we had plans for lunch this weekend.  "We do?"  She told me she would go if she felt up to it.  Then she told me she was going to watch the cowboys tonight.  By cowboys, she meant baseball.  I told her the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy was on.  "We'll see what happens," she said.  She told me my mother looked sharp today in her white lab coat.  I asked if she told my mom that.  She hadn't, but plans to let her know.  I then asked what she had for dinner.  She replied that she hadn't talked to my mother since the morning.  I repeated my question and she told me she hadn't eaten yet.  I again told her to think of where she wants to go for lunch on Saturday.  "Ok, thank you.  Love ya, honeybunch.  Bye now." 

Gram's pill box:

Don't go to Rite Aid

The plan was to pick Gram up at 9:00 on Saturday and go to breakfast. I called her Friday night and she sounded excited about our date. Normally when I arrive at Gram’s, the door is open and she is standing with her walker, ready to go. However, when I arrived this time, the door was closed and Gram was not in her living room. I walked to her bedroom. I saw that Gram was not dressed for breakfast and her teeth were not in.

I screamed her name seven times to no avail. On the eighth scream, she looked up at me and laughed. “Oh! I forgot all about you!” That was clear. I really just wanted her to put her teeth in her mouth at this point. As I helped Gram tie her shoes, she told me to never go to the drug store Rite Aid. “They are crooks! Go to Walgreens.”


We enjoyed our breakfast at Friendly’s. Gram asked if I could stop and get her some grapes at the grocery store. I left her in the car with the windows down. This worries me, as I am afraid someone might take her, but she was disrobing because she was hot. She was still there when I got back. She asked how much she owed me for the grapes. I told her they were my treat.


Later that day, Gram called my sister’s house. She asked for me. Gram wanted to go to breakfast the following morning. However, I was planning for a hangover and told her we could go to lunch the following Saturday. When we spoke last night, she asked when I would be home next. I reminded her that we were going out on Saturday. She told me she was looking forward to that. I was in the middle of asking where she wanted to go when she said, “Ok, honeybunch. I am going to eat some turkey now. Bye dear.”

Dirty teddy bear:

What time do you think I go to bed?

I just called Gram to discuss the Jitterbug cell phone.  She said, "what time do you think I go to bed?  It is 10:17."  Meanwhile, her television was blaring in the background and she was obviously awake.  I told her about the potential cell phone. I  then told her the next time I was home we would go and pick out a phone for her.  She said, "I look forward to that, my friend."

I asked what she was watching.  She informed me that nothing was on and she wished a "damn baseball game" was on and she hoped for one to be on tomorrow.  I let her know that I was pretty sure the Sox were playing tomorrow.  She still hasn't learned the players names.  Instead of pronouncing David Orteez, she says Ortizz, as in rhymes with fizz.  Once in a while, she will cut his picture out of the newspaper and give it to me since she knows I am fond of him.  After I told her the exact date I would see her next, she said, "ok, honeybunch, see you then.  Love ya," and hung up.

I forgot to post these pictures.  The first is the sign on her front door.  The second is her $30 shredder.  Enjoy

I have a blog about you.

I spent much of my weekend at Friendly's it seemed. I called Gram Saturday night and asked if we could go out on Monday instead as I didn't want her to wake up too early. "I have news for you," she said. "I will be up for the 7:00 mass." We decided on an 8:00 breakfast date at Friendly's. I arrived at Gram's and she immediately told me she was hungry. We made our way out her door. Let me say that I have had my car for almost two years. Every time I go to Gram's the following occurs, "Wowee, whose flashy car is that in my driveway?" I tell her it's mine and she makes her way down her ramp.

Gram is extremely hard of hearing. I say "Do.." and she immediately will say, "Heh?" I can't say half a word without her asking what I just said. The car ride was full of Heh's. My sister, her twin sons and my mother met us at Friendly's. I decided it would be a good time to tell Phyllis of my blog about her.  I knew she would have no idea what a blog was and I expected her exact reaction.  I speak so slowly to Gram because if I don't, all she will say is heh. See for yourself.




I don't know what I enjoyed more.  "Flattered?"  Or the fact that she rolled her eyes at my blog title.  She did not ask any questions about the blog and went on to inform us that my aunt was sick, "you know, upchucks."  The waiter, Victor, took our plates and Gram said she was full and didn't even finish her pancake.  I said I was full too and didn't finish my meal either.  She asked me what was left behind because it "sure didn't look like much." 

I brought Gram home and quickly tried fixing her phone.  I had plans and was not able to fix it in time.  She needs her phone to ring seven times as she can't hear or can't get to it in four rings. I have called Gram from outside her front door and I jump when I hear her phone.  It is very loud.



I left Gram's and promised to return the following day to fix her phone and to take her grocery shopping.  I was at my sister's the following morning when Gram called and asked if I was there.  She didn't try my cell phone.  She asked if I wanted to go to lunch since Friendly's had the $9.99 deal.  I agreed.  We went to Friendly's.  Our meals each came with ice cream.  Gram (the diabetic) ordered vanilla ice cream with hot fudge.  She was wearing a cream color turtle neck.  I looked up and noticed fudge spots all over her shirt.  I pointed this out. "Ahhh shit!  Why did I have to wear this?"  This statement after she told me she fell asleep watching mass that morning.  We finished our desserts and went to the grocery store.

Gram gave me a list and told me she would wait up front.  Items included were one pear, handful of green grapes, 1/4 pound of turkey, strawberries and two blueberry bagels.  I gathered the items and happened upon Gram in an aisle.  Gran crackers were placed on her walker.  They were not on the list.  We went to check out.  She told the cashier that I had driven all the way from Boston to take her grocery shopping.  Cashier Marie raised her eyebrows.  I explained that I was visiting for the whole weekend and not just doing a grocery run.  Gram asked me to get her a pack of gum and told me to get a pack for myself.

We left the grocery store and returned to Gram's.  I was unsuccessful at fixing her phone as it is a problem with her plan that I need to address with my mother.  Gram thanked me for taking her to the store and for having a nice lunch with me.  I kissed her goodbye and told her I would see her in a few weeks.

The following day Gram called my cell phone at work. "Meredith?"  I told her it was me.  "I tried calling your phone last night but the goddamn operator kept telling me to dial one."  I told her she must have had the wrong number.  She informed me that was not true.  Then she said, "First, you left your strawberries.  Two, your gum is here.  And three, I am getting a goddamn cell phone!"  She then asked where I was.  I told her I was at work.  She told me I wasn't.  After trying to explain that I was in fact at work we decided that I would call her back.  I am going to call her tomorrow to discuss the Jitterbug cell phone.  I think it's a good fit.

Baseball widow

7:00-I call Gram. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Just laying here," she replied. She said nothing was on the television. I told her baseball was on. You might have thought that there was a two for one sale on gran crackers. "It is! Who are they playing?" I told her Tampa Bay. She said, "Ok, dear, I'll put it on. Call me later!"

I am a baseball widow to my grandmother.

In personal news, I am in the middle of moving. I refuse to move again unless I have a boyfriend or movers. I told my friend Meggie that I never say I want a boyfriend, but this week I would take one. She told me I should rent one. If only it were so easy. In the event I move again next fall, I will start taking applications soon. Other than my clothes packed in leaf bags, I mainly had wine glasses and pictures of my nieces and nephews to bring. However, I had furniture that I didn't need. I never knew how hard it was to give something away. With rent a boyfriend, he will find you a truck and your unwanted furniture disappears. I would not even have to share my DVR space. I was lucky to have my friends help me move and I thanked them all for being my boyfriends for the day.

Going back to Phyllis. I called her back. She was still watching baseball. "I wonder if they will play again after this." I didn't tell her that typically double headers start in the afternoon. Something tells me she will be watching the same game replaying at midnight, not realizing it will be the one she just watched. For the seventh time she asked if I would be coming home this weekend. I told her I would be home late Friday. I asked her if she wanted to go out on Saturday. "Sure." I asked where she wanted to go. "Somewhere." Well, Phyllis, we can arrange that. I wish I could take her to a baseball game.