NEAR THE FOOD

Gram and I had plans for lunch on Saturday.  I like to call Gram prior to my arrival to be sure she's ready.  Especially after last weekend's toothless experience.  I called her four times.  Each time she picked up and screamed, "HELLO?"  I would scream back, "HI GRAM." She hung up each time. I decided to take my chances and just go over. I got to her house at 12:30.  I was on her doorstep and her house was shaking.  I thought it was the television, but when I walked in her radio was on the highest volume.  She was listening to The Irish Hour.  The first words out of her mouth were, "Verizon can go to hell!"  Apparently, it's the phone that's broken.  Not her hearing aids.  I just nodded and feigned agreement.  I had gone out the night before and could not bear to scream for ten minutes that there was not a problem with the phone.

We decided to go to Fazio's.  Perfect food since my morning buzz was beginning to wear off. There were two other diners in there.  When the waitress came over, Gram asked what kind of soda was available.  She decided on root beer.  Great choice for a diabetic.  For her meal, Gram ordered chicken salad, which would have been fine if it was on the menu.  She settled on tuna on wheat bread.  I ordered chicken marsala.  While waiting for our meals I asked Gram what mayor she was going to vote for.  She replied, "Am I going to the four?"  I said, "WHAT MAYOR ARE YOU VOTING FOR?"  She said, "What about Meaghan?"  I gave up.  After a few minutes of screaming dialogue, Gram screamed, "It's nice and quiet in here!" I am not sure who it was quiet for.  I heard the other diners say they thought Gram was hard of hearing.  As if that were a stretch.  We finished our meals and headed home. On the ride home, the Beastie Boys were on the radio,  Paul Revere.  I asked Gram if she liked the song.  She said she did.


I hung out at her house for a bit.  She told me I should nap.  Mainly because that's what she wanted to do.  I talked on the phone while Gram dozed.  I woke her up for church.  When I left Gram said, "Call me if you want to do something tomorrow."

I managed to reach Gram later that night. She asked me how I got through.  I told her I didn't know and asked if she wanted to go to breakfast.  She said she did and asked if my sister and the kids would be going.  I told her that was possible.  She said, "I had a feeling they would come."  I asked what time she wanted me to pick her up.  She told me I could call the shots.  We made plans for "quarter past nine."

I got to Gram's the next morning at the scheduled time.  She told me to grab four plastic envelopes from the other room.  I asked which room. "In there," she pointed.  She pointed at a wall.  I took that to mean the kitchen.  Once in the kitchen, I realized I had no idea what plastic envelopes were.  I asked where they were.  "NEAR THE FOOD!"  At this point, Gram was getting annoyed with me.  I told her I didn't know what plastic envelopes were and "near the food" was rather vague.  She picked up her walker, turned around and made her way to the kitchen.  I followed her in and she pointed to below the microwave.  Apparently, small plastic envelopes are sandwich bags.  "How many kids does Meaghan have?  Three?"  I said yes, three.  She ordered me to grab three.  I had no idea what they were for and I still don't.  I think they are still in my bag or hers.

Gram fell asleep on the ride to Denny's.  Breakfast was uneventful.  Gram asked my sister if she another kid in her back pocket.  Other than that, things were tame.  She enjoyed seeing the boys and Annabella.  She thought Nicholas had red in his hair.  I told her no, but maybe my kids will have red hair.  She smirked and raised her eyebrows.

We finished our breakfasts and said our goodbyes.  I brought Gram home and she was tired.  She told me she could never figure out what channel the "damn baseball" games were on.  I found the channel for her.  When I turned on the television, the church station was on.  I do not know how Gram watches that nun pray out loud.  I would pray for her to stop.  I will post the video below.  I do not recommend watching as it is awful, but I want people to know who I am talking about. (Side note:  Sometimes, I will catch my atheist father watching the nuns pray.  He gets so angry and yells at the television and wonder aloud who watches this shit.  Well, that would be you.  This is one of many shows he puts on and gets angry about, but it makes me laugh every time.)

I told Gram I had to get going.  She said, "Get that gum out of my purse!"  This was the gum from two or three weeks ago. "It says "Extra" on it!"  I found my gum in her purse and took it.  This seemed to please her.  I gave her a kiss goodbye and told her I loved her and the game would be on at 1:00.  She smiled until she looked out the window.  "Goddamn rain," she said.  "I don't know if baseball will be on."  There's always church.