Answering Machines and Shredding

I left a message on Phyllis' answering machine.  I doubt she gets it and if she does, she won't return my call.  She  always thinks her answering machine is broken. She called me one day and asked if I could take a look at it as the red light would not stop flashing.  When I arrived, I found out Gram had 11 messages.  I tried explaining that to her, but she ended up shutting the machine off.  When the machine is on, she likes the male recording voice as she thinks that will prevent the people tapping her phones from breaking in.  The male voice is so obviously computer generated, but I am happy if it comforts Gram.

Phyllis is very paranoid about bad things happening to her.  She is convinced that her phones have been tapped since the 1970s.  I might ask her a question about a family member, and she will immediately shush me.  "They might hear you," she'll say.  I ask who.  "You know."  I do not know, but she has told me that the phone company messed with her line in 1972 and it hasn't been the same since.  When I ask why they would care what she has to say, she doesn't respond.  That leads me to wonder if Gram was a spy in a former life.

Gram is also terrified of identity theft.  I will call her and she will tell me she's exhausted.  When I ask why she will tell me she spent the day shredding.  She has a $30 shredder in her living room.  She will sit in her recliner and go through every piece of mail that has her name and then place it in the shredder. I gave Gram a book a few years ago for her to fill out.  Under occupation, she listed businesswoman.  She takes her shredding very seriously.

To prove a point, I just called Gram back.  She answered.  "Did you get my message?"  I asked.  "No, the darn phone isn't working," she screamed.  She told me she was on the big phone in her room.   "Maybe when you come home you can fix it," she yelled.  I told her I would.  "I sure hope so."  She told me she had no news.  I told her that I was tired and she said I should go to bed.  At 6:45.  I didn't let her off the hook.  I asked if she ate dinner yet.  She said she did.  I asked what she had and she said, "for what?"  She then told me she has been watching baseball every night.  I asked who her favorite player was.  "I don't know their names, but the Red Sox beat the Jays the other night.  Seven to nothing."  She was right.

There was a moment of silence and she said, "you take care dear.  I look forward to seeing you. Bye now."

Drinking problems and euthanasia

Today was my work's annual summer outing. We went on a river cruise and drank all day. I probably had six beers in a four hour time span. I had plans to go walking with my friend Michelle after the outing. I almost broke them to continue the drinking, but Michelle is helping me move on Sunday and I don't like to burn bridges. Plus, I love walks with Michelle. I decided to take a nap prior to her arrival. I woke up to her walking up the stairs in my apartment. I had left the door unlocked. I was passed out face down on my couch. I told her that I might be a little drunk for our walk, but that didn't faze her.

Walks with Michelle are one of my most favorite things. We talk about everything and she always laughs at my jokes. I told her that I found out my ex is online dating. I said, "maybe he'll find his dream girl." Michelle asked who that might be. I told her someone with a drinking problem. I said that because he had a tendency to drink too much at times.  Michelle pointed out that I was practically drunk at 5:00 on a Thursday afternoon and power walking. Pot calling the kettle black really rang true at that moment.

After the sobering walk, I called Gram. She said she was in bed watching TV as she had a very busy day. Gram and my mother met with Gram's lawyer followed by dinner at Friendly's. Gram living on her own is getting to be too much and she needs assisted living. My mom called me after I spoke with Gram and gave me the rundown. When she arrived at Wood End Road, Gram was sitting in her recliner with three blank pieces of paper.  My mom asked what she was going to ask the lawyer.  "I don't have any questions for him." The lawyer asked Gram if she wanted a living will.  Gram said, "like euthanasia? Is that approved by the Catholic Church?"

I asked if she had dessert at Friendly's. She said that she did and it came with the meal. I asked her what she had. She said, "some kind of ice cream." Gram can be vague at times. Before Easter, I asked what she planned to wear. She said, "somethin."

She asked when I was coming home next. I again told her Labor Day weekend. Gram definitely did not have her teeth in. She yawned throughout most of the conversation, so for once I told her that I would let her go. The fact that she had already taken her teeth out meant she was ready for bed. "HAHA, OK dear," she yelled. "Love you."

Baseball.

Gram has been having issues with her phone. I asked her how it was working. "It's working better today," she screamed. I could hear her television blaring in the background. I asked her what she was watching. "Baseball." She answered in a fashion that would make you think she's been watching baseball for years. This is not the case. I asked her who was up at bat. She told me she was still learning as she was new to watching the sport. When Jacoby Ellbury's name displayed on the screen she said, "Jacoby Ellsbury." I told her that he is my boyfriend. She said, "looks like it's going to rain tonight."

Gram reminded me of the towels she has for me. "They're gorgeous," she said. "You better keep your mouth shut about those. Don't forget." This was the same warning she gave to my cousin who received my grandfather's watch.

Gram yawned. I knew her goodbye was coming. "I'll be looking forward to seeing you dear. Love ya honey bunch."

Ice cream and celibacy

Today at work, I was looking at a Tiffany's catalog. My Jewish mother said, "you should find someone and maybe they can buy some things for you in there." I told Ilene I would be putting this in my blog. I kept my word.

I just had soft serve ice cream for dinner. With Oreos. I didn't feel like microwaving anything. I wonder if I will ever like to cook. I have gone through phases that last three days and I think, cooking is not so bad. Inevitably, these phases end. There is so much effort involved. You have to buy food. I would rather spend my money on my favorite shampoo or mascara. My priorities are mine. I don't think I should be judged. I might die from lack of nutrition, but at least my hair will look good. I also have a lot of shows on my DVR to watch. It's 68% full. Cooking takes time. My time is scarce according to my DVR percentage.

I might be turning into Phyllis. She only made one meal for my sister and I growing up. Goulash. Delicious, by the way. She's also been celibate for 56 years. I haven't been living that long, but I could give her a run for the money. She eats ice cream all the time too. Even though she has "the diabetus." I know how to spell diabetes, but that is how she pronounces the word. One time I found a book at Gram's called, "Living the Celibate Life, A Search for Models and Meaning." I asked her about it as I have no shame, and she claimed it wasn't hers. It was a friend's. I didn't push the matter as she may have been embarrassed, but I wonder where she bought that book.

Towels and dirty teddy bears

I saw Gram this weekend at my niece's Christening. She looked marvelous. She had on a dress I have never seen before and when I complimented her she patted her sleeve and said, "oh this old thing." I should ask my mom if she just bought it for her. Gram pulled me close to her walker seat and told me she was downsizing and asked if I needed some towels. Her sister gave her some and she has no use for them. I told her I would take them.

Gram and I had a photo shoot as we were both looking our personal bests. We were both having great hair days and I was tan. Phyllis also deserves to have a flattering picture of herself up here. After the 19th shot, Gram remarked that she didn't realize she was such a scoop.

After the christening, I called my cousin. I won't name him, as he will kill me when he reads this, but I have to share. He couldn't make it to the event because he had a cold. He asked how Gram was and I told him she was good. He said, "oh, I have to call and thank her for something." Clearly, he wanted me to ask what the something was. "She swore me to secrecy, I can't tell you." I told him I wouldn't tell anyone. (Sorry ahead of time) "She gave me our grandfather's watch." I told him that I was not upset. I thought it was great that his downsizing gift was something with real meaning and I am getting re-gifted towels and that she will probably try for the 36th time to give me one of two oversized filthy teddy bears. I should mention that we never met our grandfather. He died in 1953. I wish I could say that the teddy bears were his, but Gram bought those in 1995.

When Gram and I spoke tonight, she sounded tired. She told me the christening was just lovely. We spoke only a few minutes until she said, "I think I am going to hit the hay early."

"Good night, dear."

Birthdays and wooden nickels

I will be going on vacation for a week so I wanted the masses to get a phyx prior to my departure.

I am currently on the phone with Gram. Right now she is going through "that" birthday book. She is going through every birthday of each child/grandchild/great grandchild/and of course the deceased relatives. "Honey, my sister, is deceased." Next, my poor sister. "Meaghan. Ohhh, she's going to be 30. God, she's getting up there." Right now she is writing down my Nana's (RIP) birthday, "May 28th, Adele." She just wrote down her own birthday in case she forgets.

July is a huge month. About seven birthdays, four anniversaries. "July 12 would have been Rose's birthday. She's deceased." Gram just realized that she missed her ultrasound appointment. "July 31st, that would have been Olive. She's dead."

I am pretty much the one grandchild that talks to Gram on a regular basis. I was looking forward to November and when she would play dumb. Instead, "Ohhhh, who's in November? Let's see! November 29th! Miss Meredith!"

Well, that would have been great, except my birthday is November 28th. She didn't believe me. She said, her father was buried on the 28th and I was born on the 29th. I was pretty sure she was mistaken. Her father died in 1972, so it's not like it was the same year. I asked her if she wanted to see my ID. She said, "It's going to be 80 degrees on Monday."

Gram talked about the weather for a few more minutes, but I had to call her out on the fact that she knew the birthday of every single relative, living or dead, young or old, loved or indifferent, and she replied, "It must be all the stress that I'm under."

To end the conversation she said, "Well, I'm going to hit the road honey bunch, do you mind?" I said no, that I loved her and that I would see her after my vacation.

"Don't take any wooden nickels, dear. Love ya."

Pedometer update

Talking to Gram right now. She told me she was making some snack. Cheerios with blueberries. I asked her what the noise was in the background and she informed me that bladder infections were in fact annoying.

I asked her if she was getting a tan this summer. "Yeah," she replied. She told me she didn't think she was home bound anymore. She's not quite sure. I told her that my nephew Nicholas calls me Ti Ti. She thought I said GG. She was not impressed, because all of the great grandchildren call her GG. I said, I don't think you heard me. She replied, "I did hear that Nicholas is going through his terrible twos." I asked if she was wearing her hearing aids. Apparently, she is only wearing one.

Phyllis said, "Your instructions for your pedometer are here." I said I would have to get those. She told me that I was smart and I should be able to figure out how to work the thing.

I enjoy how Gram ends our conversations so abruptly. After the pedometer update, she said, "Call me again dear. Love ya," and hung up the phone.