Kind of like Sling Blade.

I had a dentist appointment earlier this week.  I do not like the dentist.  I remember going as a child and the dentist asking me how my gag reflex was.  Not knowing what he meant, I said, "It's fine." The moment he shoved a wad of cotton in my mouth, I almost vomited after biting his hand off.  You shouldn't expect an eight-year-old to know what gag reflex means.  That wasn't part of Bill Lang's National Geographic Trivia.  Speaking of Bill Lang.  He has the weakest stomach known to man.  One time, sista woke Bill in the middle of the night after she vomited.  Instead of consoling her and holding her hair back, a la Kathy Lang, he ran to the kitchen sink and vomited himself.  When our baby teeth were loose and we wanted to show Dad, he'd quickly look away and request for us to immediately cease what we were doing.  If we mentioned urine at the dinner table, we would hear, "Girls!" As a child, I never understood why he was such a wuss and was grateful he didn't pass that gene on.  However, now that I am an adult, I have discovered that this has changed.  At my dentist cleaning, while the hygienist was poking my gums with that devil instrument, I was gripping the arms of the chair afraid I was going to upchuck all over the poor girl.  My body was hot and my eyes wide open.  She kept apologizing.  It was torture.

Following the cleaning, I had to get a tiny cavity filled. The doctor's assistant, Cheryl, asked how I was and I sighed heavily and told her I was ok. I despise needles and was filled with dread all day knowing I was going to be shot up with Novocaine.  However, as I lay in the chair, Dr. R. said, "I'm not going to numb you."  I said, "Are you crazy? Why not?"  She laughed and told me the cavity was so small that the injection would be more painful.  All I had to do was raise my hand if I wanted her to numb me at any point.  I thought "She is whack," but I decided to trust a bitch.  Things were going well until she lightly touched my nerve with the drill causing me to almost eat it.  This caused Cheryl to drop her suction tool and delayed the process for five minutes.  Cheryl finally collected herself and started talking about a show she watched on TV about Superminds. "These people can remember what they wore and ate for breakfast 17 years ago!"  "Eewee?" I said. "Yeah!" Cheryl exclaimed. It amazes me how dentists understand their patients with all that junk in their mouths.  My friend told me he usually grunts the whole time.  "Like Helen Keller trying to figure out a math problem."  Dr. R. told us she used to remember everything from school, but not so much as she gets older.  Cheryl said, "That's cause you're havin' a baby! Your mind gets fuzzy."  "Eh a oo oo" I asked.  She didn't understand, so I made a motion with my hand of a pregnant stomach.  "Oh! I am due April 20." she said. "People tell me it's called the pot day." I tried to nod as if to tell her, "Yes. It is the pot day." I stopped myself and instead just attempted a laugh.  Cheryl had never heard of 420.  I was shocked as I assumed she was going to go home and smoke some "dope" as Kath would say.  "Is it a day that people don't smoke pot?" Cheryl asked.  Maybe she was playing dumb.  The conversation then moved on to a male doctor who enjoyed his women.  It ended up being my favorite dental experience. 

I can't wait for my checkup in six months.

In other news. My CF took me out for my birthday last week.  The food and wine were great.  The service was, too.  Until our server looked at my CF and said, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Kirsten Dunst?"  I quickly defended her and said, "No. But she's been told she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones."  He corrected me on my pronunciation of Zeta.  Douche.  My CF said, "That's great, so I look drunk."   

She looks nothing like her.  Kath will be pissed when she finds out.  She gets very defensive when people tell me I look like Katie Holmes.  "You look nothing like her!" she'll snap when I tell her I heard it from a new person. I don't mind.  I just wouldn't want her to play me in a movie.  She's such a bore. I digress. We were walking out of the restaurant and my CF said, "Lately, I have noticed that I move slow.  Kind of like Sling Blade." 



She's something else.  I have to admit, she was moving slow.  Anyway.  I've got a full day of Phyllis comin' up on Saturday.  No better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.  I hope Gram likes her present.  I am so excited to see my kids, I could cry.  And, the rest of the fam too.  It's been a while.

Feliz Navidad, bitches.