"A BIKINI WAX" and horseback riding.

I called my family last week during weekly dinner.  It makes me laugh that they have no qualms talking to me on speaker, yet I know that every one of them cannot stand speaker phone if they are on the other end, i.e. mine.  I have to turn my earpiece volume down when I do talk to them, because Kath screams. Loud. "HI MEREDITH! WE'RE EATING SCHNITZEL," she taunted recently.  Last week those bastards had chocolate cream pie for dessert.  They know it's my favorite dessert and I think that was a deliberate choice so they could get a rise out of me.  I called them assholes.  It reminded me of when Meggie told me she made tomato pie for dinner.  She knew it would make me jealous.  I said, "I hope the bread you also baked goes straight to your hips."  That was the most un-Maid of Honor thing I have done.  After calling my family assholes, I quickly apologized because the kids were listening.  The boys are now rather chatty on the phone.  Nicholas especially.  He said, "Hi Titi" no less than 50 times. Then he switched it up to say, "Come home, quick."  Did your heart just melt?  Mine did.  I teared up because I didn't even prompt him to say such a thing.  Anthony is not as interested with the phone and was watching a cooking show instead.  The Bean, aka Alabama, just sat there and smiled.  The conversation started to gear down until my mom said, "Meredith, guess what I am getting done?  Tony's sister is doing it for me."  Before I could respond, she yelled, "A BIKINI WAX."  I was pissed.  I thought maybe she was reading too much Cosmo.  She quickly told me she was joking and that she was getting her eyebrows done.  I no longer have to wonder where I get my sick sense of humor from.  Thanks, Kath.

Speaking of Cosmo.   I was reading it the other day.  They somehow found the biggest tool in Devon, 25. The article was full of quotes from douchebags and was titled something like "The Hottest Things You Can Do...For Your Man"  Such a clever title! Anyway, Devon said, "Leave your bra on so I can pull at the straps as I ride you from behind."  What girl wants to feel like a horse when they are getting it on? 

Thank God, Bill Lang does not read this.  It's not like Devon's my boyfriend, but I can't imagine he would enjoy reading my thoughts about such a quote. 

This is something else Bill wouldn't want to read.  I haven't been rubbing one out on my face lately.  I have been busy.  The last time I missed a few days, a friend said, "God, that must've been a mess!" At least it seems to be healing with the silicone scar sheets.  If you are curious, this is what they look like: 

Gram will be pleased with my scar progress.  I hope to have a visit with her this weekend when I am home for the Reunion.  Last I heard she told my mom what a smart girl I was.  She's right.  Her birthday is coming up.  She will be 86.  I wonder if in 60 years I will have a smart ass granddaughter writing about me.  I am flattered at the thought.  Though, we all know Phyllis could care less. 

This makes me laugh.  And Jon Hamm is in it.  You're welcome.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Jon Hamm from Between Two Ferns

Just like Phyllis.

I was home for Mother's Day weekend.  My sister and I went out to dinner one night with my parents.  Dad drove and Meaghan and I sat in the back.  I am not sure if it was intentional or not, but Meaghan and I sat on the same sides that we did as children.  Me behind Mom, Meg behind Dad.  We talked shit about them like we used to when we were little.  Now though, their age was on our side. They couldn't hear a word we said.  At one point, Kath asked if we thought she was weird. She tried explaining that she thought she was quirky, but didn't think she was weird.  Meaghan and I nodded politely and agreed that she was normal.  The moment she turned around, I said, "Freak."  I was talking to Mom last week when the subject of "dope" came up.  She said, "I just don't understand who in their right mind smokes dope these days."  I wanted to say, "Um, people that don't refer to it as dope."  Instead, I just mmhmmed her and changed the subject.

I saw Gram over Mother's Day weekend, but did not take video.  Gram told me she had been falling lately and I decided to confess my tumble. She said, "HA! Just like Phyllis!" I told her I might need plastic surgery and her eyes opened wide. At least Gram doesn't have to go under the knife. Though, the rubbing one out on my face and the silicone scar sheets seem to be helping.  Sorry, but that is what it feels like I am doing.  It's quite gross.  However, I will continue to do these things and maybe I won't need Lin and Chang to cut me after all.

Back to Phyllis.  She was in a fresh mood.  While waiting for her lunch she said, "Wait until you see it!  IT'S CRAP!"  I had to agree.  It looked like vomit.  She did have a delicious brunch the following morning at my sister's.  I cut some strawberries, but didn't cook a thing.  However, and I haven't told Meaghan this (surprise, sister), but I am thinking I will make dinner for the family and my blog publicist, Angela, when we return from Sesame Place.  I hope they like English muffins. 

I went to my aunt and uncle's this past weekend with my cousin/friend, Karen.  I am going to just call her my CF now.  On Saturday, we got our nails done and my nail girl said, "You two sister or friends?"  I replied, "We're cousin/friends."  I was debating between two colors for my nails.  One was light, the other dark.  My nail girl said, "You have perfect nail bed.  Dark look better.  If you have short nails, light, but you have perfect nail bed."  I beamed at her and turned to my CF to see if she had heard the compliment.  She hadn't.  For the rest of the weekend, if anything complimentary came my way, I would say, "What do you expect?  I have perfect nail beds."

I have a few events that I am looking forward to these next few weeks.  First, the Lang family reunion Memorial Day weekend.  My CF and I are in charge of bringing the wine.  I can't imagine why.  Memorial Day weekend is the weekend I look forward to most every year.  When I last spoke to my dad, I said, "I have so much fun Memorial Day, f*ck Christmas."  I know, that's awful, but I can't wait to stuff my face, laugh and play badminton.  And maybe enjoy a box of wine.  Or two. And, eat Shaun's chocolates.  Maybe I won't stuff my ass face too much.  I have my dress fitting for a certain Bridezilla's wedding in just under a month. 

After Memorial Day, I will be going to Langhorne, Pennsylvania with the sister, the three little ones, her husband and Zia.  Back in March, Meaghan asked if I wanted to go to Sesame Place.  I said, "Sure."  I Googled Sesame Place a week after I agreed to this trip and found it was a Sesame Street theme park.  I am hoping to charm Oscar the Grouch.  I bet he'll like Titty.

 

To end, I would like to say happy birthday to my F, Michelle. Here's some Taye Diggs.  Enjoy!

PIZZA?

This is going to be an oh so quick post. 

I received a voicemail from family dinner on Tuesday.  It was like Goldilocks and the three bears were calling.  Instead of "Who's been sleeping in my bed?"  I heard each family member yell hello to me.  They were using speaker phone.  First dad, "HI TITI."  Then mom, "HIII TITI."  Then Meaghan, "HI TITTY."  Then the boys, who whisper, "Hi Ti Ti. Hi Ti Ti"  The Bean didn't contribute to the conversation.  I am sure she was smiling though.

I called Kath and Bill back later, but didn't bother to ask what those jackasses ate for dinner.  It usually just pisses me off.  I did ask Bill what he was planning on cooking this weekend since I would be home.  "I hadn't thought about that." he said.  I told him I had.  Hope he got the hint. 

That same night I was finally able to reach Gram.  A nice nurse answered and told me she would get her on the phone.  I heard the nurse tell Gram that I was on the line and that I couldn't wait to talk to her.  (How did she know?)  After three minutes of waiting, Gram finally screamed, "HI MEREDITH!"  So enthusiastic.  I am going to start greeting people the same way.  My mom will definitely hang up on me.  I yelled "HI GRAM" back and she asked what I said.  I knew I was in for a screaming conversation.  She told me it was great to hear my voice.  I repeated the sentiment.  More than once.  She told me she knew it had been a while since we spoke last, but she was too busy to call me.  I told her I understood.  "WHEN YA COMIN' HOME HONEY BUNCH?"  I yelled that I would be home this weekend.  "WHEN?" she replied.  I screamed "this weekend" three more times.  Finally she replied, "PIZZA?"  Yes, pizza is when I will be coming home. 

As I said, this was going to be a quick post.  I can't wait for "pizza".  I will try my best to get video.  Until then.

Make sure to catch Betty White on SNL, bitches.