Step off.

One minute and 47 seconds.  That was the length of tonight's phone call with Gram.  I was able to squeeze the following out of her.  Her room is so hot, she could blow up. Dominic is gone.  She doesn't know where he is.  She has no other boyfriends.  Lastly, she still hasn't found a stamp. Apparently, she talks to Kathy for longer lengths of time.  My mom informed me that the woman with whom Gram bumped walkers is still hogging the phone and pushing Gram around.  I will be sure to have Gram point her out to me during our next visit.  Then I will tell her to "Step off."  I will say that because it worked when my sister did that to some brat at my birthday party at a roller skating rink.  Meaghan wheeled over with her horrific bangs and told the mean girl to step off. Most kids were in roller blades, but not the Lang girls.  However, Meaghan was taller, so the little wench listened. I remember watching from the other side of the rink silently cheering my sister on.  Meaghan had street cred at age 11.

Again, since Gram gets off the phone faster than I drink a beer, I have to talk about myself.  I was telling my friend Seth about the day I learned the word whore.  Growing up, we lived on a street with a lot of families.  Across the street, a family moved in with a son who was probably 11 when I was nine.  He was not well-behaved like my sister and I.  One time we drove by his house and he flipped my mom off.  She put the car in park and ran after him.  She chased him into his backyard.  I can't remember the outcome, but I know he was terrified of her from then on.  On a day prior to the chase, Meaghan and I were sitting outside on the front porch waiting for dinner to be ready.  Gary walked over.  We didn't like him because he smelled like trash day.  He walked up to me (I was eight or nine), smacked me in the forehead and called me a whore.  I was upset he hit me. I hadn't a clue what whore meant.  I thought maybe pretty or funny.  Meaghan told him to step off, while I kept whining, "WHAT'S A WHORE?"  She told me she wasn't going to tell me and not to ask our parents.  Dad called us in for dinner.  Growing up, we ate dinner by candlelight, while Bill Lang read trivia from National Geographic cards.  If it wasn't trivia, we were quizzed on our United States placemats, and we had to name the capital of every state. It's a wonder I was bullied. After Dad asked a question, I decided to change the subject. I said, "What's a whore?"  Bill Lang looked up from the trivia card and asked where I heard that word.  I told him the source.  Ma and Pa Lang were most likely relieved I hadn't overheard them use the word. They then explained a whore was an unflattering term for a woman. For those of you who were curious.

I don't think Gary bothered us much after that. Thankfully I didn't ask Gram what whore meant.  She never would have told me.  I once asked Gram what a condo was, but said condom instead.  She refused to answer. 

Here's some video of Gram during her last visit.  Ordering me around.