Phyllis is my hero and then some: Dash Hounds and Sneaky cats

I called Gram last night. I wanted to let her know to expect a letter from me. I said this to her and she said, "HOW IS JP?" I think I annoyed her by talking when all she wanted was to get to the good stuff. I imagined her sitting there wearing her 50 dolla shawl, rolling her eyes and impatiently waiting for her turn to talk. Maybe I will give her his phone number. That would be such fun for him. I bet my name wouldn't even come up. "JONATHAN, HOW ARE YOU? YOU DATIN' ANYONE SPECIAL?" She told me that Kath asked her if she'd heard from me lately. I said, "I just talked to Ma yesterday. She knows I was planning to call you tonight. " She said, "Well. You better write her too." Fresh. I told Gram I would be coming home in the next couple of weeks, I just haven't figured out a date. She said she was "anxious" to see me. I guess that is a good thing. I miss her terribly. And my kids. Here's the latest letter:

"Monday February 7, 2011
HI GRAM!

I AM SO SORRY THAT I DIDN’T WRITE YOU A LETTER AS PROMISED LAST WEEK. I AM A TERRIBLE GRANDDAUGHTER AND SHOULD BE BURNED AT THE STAKE. I HOPE YOU DON’T TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY. I AM AFRAID OF FIRE.

HOW ARE YOU? DID YOU WATCH THE SUPER BOWL? I AM GLAD THAT DREADFUL SPORT IS OVER FOR NOW. IT’S SO BORING! BIG MEN RUNNING AROUND CHASING AN ODDLY SHAPED BALL. AND THEN, EVERY TWO SECONDS, THEY BLOW THE WHISTLE. MEN!

BASEBALL SEASON STARTS SOON. I BET YOU’RE EXCITED. I DIDN’T CATCH TOO MUCH BASEBALL LAST YEAR. MAYBE I WILL THIS YEAR. IT IS VERY TIME CONSUMING AND I AM A BUSY GIRL.

I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHEN I WILL BE HOME NEXT. IT WILL BE THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. I WILL BRING YOU SOME TREATS. ANY SPECIAL REQUESTS? RUMOR HAS IT THAT YOU LIKE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS. I AM GOING DOWNHILL SKIING FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER THIS WEEKEND. I EXPECT TO FALL A LOT. JONATHAN BETTER WEAR A HELMET. IF HE WERE TO GET HURT, WE WOULD BOTH BE BOO HOOIN’.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP FOR LENT? LAST YEAR I GAVE UP SALSA CON QUESO. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR ME? MAYBE I WILL GIVE UP SWEARING.

I JUST OVERDOSED ON BLUEBERRIES AND COULD REALLY USE A NAP. I WILL CALL YOU TONIGHT AND TELL YOU THAT YOU WILL BE RECEIVING A LETTER FROM ME SOON. I WOULD IMAGINE AS EARLY AS TOMORROW! WHAT A TREAT. I HOPE YOU’RE DOING WELL AND STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE. WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER WALKER WAR IN 2011.

I LOVE YOU TO REESE’S PIECES AND CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

LOVE,

MEREDITH ELIZABETH LANG"

I normally head home for Valentines Day and have a date with Gram. However, I am going skiing this weekend. For the first time eva. I am excited, though a little sad I can't watch a V-Day Lifetime movie with Phyllis this year. I wonder if Kath will give me a V-Day gift bag now that I have a bf. Not likely if she's anything like her husband. I was telling sista friend that this was the first year Bill hadn't given me an additional gift card for my birthday and Christmas. She said, "I never get extra from him!" I said, "That's what happens when you're the favorite child." She replied, "More like that's what happens when you're single." Whatever helps her sleep at night.

I talked to Kath on Sunday. I told her I was at the bf's parents and that the dog and cat were sitting at my feet. "What kind of cat?" I'm impressed she even asked because Kath is not fond of cats. I recently asked the reason behind this. "They are just SO sneaky!" I think she watched too many Disney movies. Anyway. I said, "It's orange?" Then she asked its name. "Indy." "CINDY?" I corrected her. "What kind of dog is it?" she asked. I said, "A hot dog." She replied, "Oh. A dash hound." A couple of weeks ago when I called, she told me she was watching a movie. I asked which one and she said, "Something with Leonardo DiCaprico." So, this time, when she said "dash hound" I replied, "Did you hear they are making a movie about dash hounds with Leonardo DiCaprico?" She called me a wise ass and tried for two minutes to pronounce dachshund without success. I thought a hearse was pronounced "hearst" for 26 years and for the longest time I pronounced wolf as "woof". The latter in that sentence is just embarrassing. I blame Kath.

In other news, I am oh so looking forward to the end of winter. Come spring, I am going to attempt to run a 5K for the second time. Two summers ago I ran in one with my pal Sam and placed 1160 out of 1200. In my defense, I was hung over and had a FUPA. I am back to feeling more athletic now. I wasn't voted "Most Athletic" in the 8th grade without reason. That and when doing box jumps at the gym last week, a woman applauded me. I took off my headphones because I could see she was saying something and she said, "Are you a dancer?" I just about died. She went on to say that I was impressive to watch. Please just know that I felt the need to publish this tidbit of information as I was relentlessly made fun of after my first 5K and I want those bitches to know how far I have come. When I told Sam about the dancer comment, she replied, "She probably meant a stripper." When we "trained" for our first 5K Sam told me I looked like a Tyrannosaurus Rex as I jogged along with my arms up high and close to my chest.