"I don't know her."

Kath has discovered email.  Well, she's known about it for a bit and I suppose uses it once in a while to send chain emails to her work pals, but she discovered that she can email Me.  I was not in the mood for chatting on the phone last night.  I knew I should call Kath to check in, but I was just tired and wanted to read my Kindle by book light.  I have made a habit of this.  I will get ready for bed at 7:45, shut my lights off and read my Kindle.  A few times I have woken up around 9:30 p.m. with the Kindle open next to me.  It's better than waking up with an empty bottle of wine on my chest at 4 a.m. circa 2008.  I couldn't fall asleep last night because I napped for a few hours during the day due to drinking a bottle of wine at lunch with CF.  We know how to celebrate President's Day in our family.  I checked my email around 10:00 and saw one from Kath (!).  Below is an excerpt:

>nothing much new-except, i have a little fever ~ 105, i got mugged this morning going to work, and i have to have major surgery<

I dialed Kath immediately, swearing at myself for being a bratty daughter (yet again) and not calling my mother.  Kath cheerily answered, "Hello!"  I yelled, "YOU GOT MUGGED?" "Oh, honey.  That was a joke.  You couldn't tell? What did you think of that story about Annabella?"  I asked her how she would feel if she received an email from me telling her I was raped on the way to the gym.  She dismissed that and said, "Let me know what you think about Annabella once you read it." Like I got that far in the email.  We chatted for a few and I told her I would email her in the morning.  Here is an excerpt:

>Have a good day. Don't email me later telling me you got carjacked. I will take you seriously. You will be the Mom who cried WOOF.<

I added the "WOOF" part to the end because I received a phone call from Kath after my most recent blog post asking me how to pronounce wolf.  She could barely breathe she was laughing so hard.  I told her it was her fault as my mother that she didn't teach me how to pronounce basic words.  However, I don't know if it was her fault that I mixed up the words organism and orgasm in fifth grade science class.  I can't recall how it was that I realized my gaffe, but I remember being in class one day reviewing my notes.  This moment was so traumatic, I remember the outfit I had on.  My all purple sweatsuit that made me look like Grimace. I saw "orgasm" and "orgasms" written down, page after page.  I felt myself turn red. I started scribbling furiously correcting them all.  I should have just used the caret punctuation mark and wrote "ni".  Maybe I did.  It wouldn't have mattered except our teacher reviewed our notebooks. Sorry, Mr. Kawa.



While we're on the subject, I will share another traumatic memory from fifth grade.  I was such a nerd that I forced my parents to allow me to switch schools because I wasn't challenged enough.  Somehow, I got my way.  My uncle was the principal at my new school.  All of the students knew and this did not get me any friends.  I only sat with people at lunch because the cafeteria was so small and I was forced to sit with a group.  When we had lunch outside in the nicer weather, I ate by myself.  No need to feel bad. I had friends outside of school, I just hated the wretched children in my class. They were 10-year-old criminals, stealing pills from their parents and skipping school. I couldn't relate at the time. Anyway. It was the last week of school and I sat in the back row. It was also 90 degrees. I was daydreaming of summer when the door opened and in walked Phyllis and my two cousins with my uncle.  Gram was sweating profusely, her hair matted to her forehead because she didn't have air conditioning in her car. She was wearing a purple and blue ensemble that if I explained it to my sister, she would know what I was talking about. I could see their eyes scan the room looking for me.  I was spotted.  The three of them stood there, beaming and waving at me. I just stared at them and sunk into my chair.  Bianca, who sat in front of me said, "That your Nana?"  I said, "I don't know her."

I will ask Gram if she remembers that day next time I visit.  Not likely. 

In the time that I have written this post, Kath has emailed me back.  She shared an interaction she had with Phyllis today:

>Visited w/gram.  Not much conversation.  I told her powerball was 155 M and proceeded to tell her to give me a number -any number 1 -->  39.  She pondered for awhile-quite awhile and finally blurted out "40." I didn't say anything and after about a minute she turns to me and started laughing-she had just realized what she said-she's truly a trip.<

Speaking of Gram, we just had a four minute conversation. She was not wearing her hearing aids.  During our chat I told her that I was becoming a nun and that I have a tattoo of the Virgin Mary on my back.  "THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY CARD" was her reply. I screamed for about two minutes when she said "Love ya Honey Bunch.  Bye now." 


Too bad Phyllis can't email me.  I would set up an account just for her emails: honeybunch@gmail.com. I wonder if that's taken. 

Dash Hounds and Sneaky cats

I called Gram last night.  I wanted to let her know to expect a letter from me.  I said this to her and she said, "HOW IS JP?" I think I annoyed her by talking when all she wanted was to get to the good stuff.  I imagined her sitting there wearing her 50 dolla shawl, rolling her eyes and impatiently waiting for her turn to talk.  Maybe I will give her his phone number.  That would be such fun for him. I bet my name wouldn't even come up. "JONATHAN, HOW ARE YOU? YOU DATIN' ANYONE SPECIAL?" She told me that Kath asked her if she'd heard from me lately.  I said, "I just talked to Ma yesterday. She knows I was planning to call you tonight. " She said, "Well.  You better write her too."  Fresh.  I told Gram I would be coming home in the next couple of weeks, I just haven't figured out a date.  She said she was "anxious" to see me.  I guess that is a good thing.  I miss her terribly.  And my kids.  Here's the latest letter:

"Monday February 7, 2011
 HI GRAM!

I AM SO SORRY THAT I DIDN’T WRITE YOU A LETTER AS PROMISED LAST WEEK. I AM A TERRIBLE GRANDDAUGHTER AND SHOULD BE BURNED AT THE STAKE. I HOPE YOU DON’T TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY. I AM AFRAID OF FIRE.

HOW ARE YOU? DID YOU WATCH THE SUPER BOWL? I AM GLAD THAT DREADFUL SPORT IS OVER FOR NOW. IT’S SO BORING! BIG MEN RUNNING AROUND CHASING AN ODDLY SHAPED BALL. AND THEN, EVERY TWO SECONDS, THEY BLOW THE WHISTLE. MEN!

BASEBALL SEASON STARTS SOON. I BET YOU’RE EXCITED. I DIDN’T CATCH TOO MUCH BASEBALL LAST YEAR. MAYBE I WILL THIS YEAR. IT IS VERY TIME CONSUMING AND I AM A BUSY GIRL.

I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHEN I WILL BE HOME NEXT. IT WILL BE THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. I WILL BRING YOU SOME TREATS. ANY SPECIAL REQUESTS? RUMOR HAS IT THAT YOU LIKE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS. I AM GOING DOWNHILL SKIING FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER THIS WEEKEND. I EXPECT TO FALL A LOT. JONATHAN BETTER WEAR A HELMET. IF HE WERE TO GET HURT, WE WOULD BOTH BE BOO HOOIN’.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP FOR LENT? LAST YEAR I GAVE UP SALSA CON QUESO. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR ME? MAYBE I WILL GIVE UP SWEARING.

I JUST OVERDOSED ON BLUEBERRIES AND COULD REALLY USE A NAP. I WILL CALL YOU TONIGHT AND TELL YOU THAT YOU WILL BE RECEIVING A LETTER FROM ME SOON. I WOULD IMAGINE AS EARLY AS TOMORROW! WHAT A TREAT. I HOPE YOU’RE DOING WELL AND STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE. WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER WALKER WAR IN 2011.

I LOVE YOU TO REESE’S PIECES AND CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

LOVE,

MEREDITH ELIZABETH LANG"

I normally head home for Valentines Day and have a date with Gram.  However, I am going skiing this weekend.  For the first time eva.  I am excited, though a little sad I can't watch a V-Day Lifetime movie with Phyllis this year.  I wonder if Kath will give me a V-Day gift bag now that I have a bf.  Not likely if she's anything like her husband.  I was telling sista friend that this was the first year Bill hadn't given me an additional gift card for my birthday and Christmas.  She said, "I never get extra from him!"  I said, "That's what happens when you're the favorite child."  She replied, "More like that's what happens when you're single." Whatever helps her sleep at night. 

I talked to Kath on Sunday.  I told her I was at the bf's parents and that the dog and cat were sitting at my feet.  "What kind of cat?" I'm impressed she even asked because Kath is not fond of cats. I recently asked the reason behind this.  "They are just SO sneaky!" I think she watched too many Disney movies. Anyway. I said, "It's orange?" Then she asked its name. "Indy." "CINDY?" I corrected her. "What kind of dog is it?" she asked.  I said, "A hot dog." She replied, "Oh. A dash hound." A couple of weeks ago when I called, she told me she was watching a movie.  I asked which one and she said, "Something with Leonardo DiCaprico." So, this time, when she said "dash hound" I replied, "Did you hear they are making a movie about dash hounds with Leonardo DiCaprico?"  She called me a wise ass and tried for two minutes to pronounce dachshund without success. I thought a hearse was pronounced "hearst" for 26 years and for the longest time I pronounced wolf as "woof". The latter in that sentence is just embarrassing.  I blame Kath.

In other news, I am oh so looking forward to the end of winter.  Come spring, I am going to attempt to run a 5K for the second time.  Two summers ago I ran in one with my pal Sam and placed 1160 out of 1200. In my defense, I was hung over and had a FUPA.  I am back to feeling more athletic now.  I wasn't voted "Most Athletic" in the 8th grade without reason.  That and when doing box jumps at the gym last week, a woman applauded me.  I took off my headphones because I could see she was saying something and she said, "Are you a dancer?"  I just about died.  She went on to say that I was impressive to watch.  Please just know that I felt the need to publish this tidbit of information as I was relentlessly made fun of after my first 5K and I want those bitches to know how far I have come.  When I told Sam about the dancer comment, she replied, "She probably meant a stripper."  When we "trained" for our first 5K Sam told me I looked like a Tyrannosaurus Rex as I jogged along with my arms up high and close to my chest.

 
I am going to wear that shirt and chase her around. 

Until next time. 

Sneaky cats: