"You've never been near a golf course."

April Fools Day is one of my favorite days of the year.  I love practical jokes.  Last year, I announced on Facebook that I was pregnant.  Congratulations came out of the woodwork.  Someone even "chatted" me that I have not spoken to since high school.  "congrats girl, how far along r u?"  That was an awkward explanation.  This year, I called my father at 8:30 in the morning.  "Dad, I have something to tell you."  He said, "What?"  I said, "I am one of Tiger Woods mistresses and it's going to be on the news today."  He replied, "You've never been near a golf course."  We laughed and he was happy I reminded him of the holiday.  I saw my mom's friend and relayed the prank and Bill Lang's response.  She said, "Never been near a golf course?  How about never been near a dick?"  Is it so hard to believe that Tiger Woods would sleep with me?  I attempted to fool other people in my life by telling them I had a date.  Each one replied, "April Fools."  I took that as a sign that maybe I should go on a date.  That, and I broke up with my cashier boyfriend from Trader Joe's.  In my head anyway.  I was there a few weeks ago and I actually heard him speak.  More like screech like Nathan Lane in "The Birdcage".  I don't think he would have been interested. I am still not going on a date.  They are too high maintenance.  Thank goodness for my Netflix account.

I took the Peter Pan home two Friday's ago for the Easter weekend.  I don't enjoy sharing my seat with strangers. It's bad enough that I have to take the bus.  I like my space. I was solo until we stopped in Worcester.  A woman decided to sit next to me.  Even though she could have sat in an empty seat across from the aisle.  My hung over sprawl must have looked welcoming.  She sat down and proceeded to eat what I assumed was a rotting muffin.  A few minutes later, she started humming. Loud enough to hear with my earphones on. It was funny so I offered her a piece of gum.  She declined.

After the relaxing bus ride, I visited Gram later in the day and brought her a caramel Cadbury egg.  She must not have been watching her weight that day since she didn't admonish me for bringing her a treat.  I told her I was tired from the night before and she said, "Were you on a date?"  I said, "If a date with my cousin counts, then yes."  Gram rolled her eyes. I noticed that Gram had a metallic Catholic looking egg on her nightstand.  "What do you think is in there?" she asked.  I opened it to find mini candy crosses.  They tasted like sweet tarts and I kept popping them in my mouth.  Finally, Gram yelled.  "You're gonna eat 'em all!"  She then asked me to turn her TV on. Her eyes lit up at John Wayne's presence. 

I hate westerns.  They are almost as boring as church. Kath came to pick me up and we left Gram with her western lover. The following day, mom and I took Gram to lunch.  She tried ordering a sandwich, but mom and I yelled at her and told her to order a real meal.  Once we reminded her of the food in rehab, she changed her tune. I asked Gram if she was full.  "I can't eat another thing." she said.  I told her that I couldn't either.  "You want to split dessert?"  I asked a moment later.  "Sure." she replied.  We split a cannoli. 

On a side note. We all know I didn't make it through Lent without eating salsa con queso.  Kath survived 40 days and nights of "no dramas".  Kudos. I thought our sacrifices were ridiculous, but then my mom told me how my nephew gave up kitty cats for Lent.  I know he loves his stuffed cat, but I was concerned a 7-year-old chose to give up a baby animal.  The next day my mom repeated the story to someone else.  The little guy gave up Kit Kat's.  Much to my relief.

Here's a video recommended to me.  How can you not love Tina Fey?