"We're good friends together."

Yesterday was Bill Lang's birthday. I called to wish him a happy one.  Mom answered and she told me that Gram wanted her to pick me up a birthday present since "we're good friends together."  Gram also said that I was a "nice, nice kid." Mom told me I should give her a call.  I told her I would and asked if she could put Dad on the phone.  When he picked up, I sang Happy Birthday in Gram's opera voice. He told me he hadn't heard from Gram yet, which was surprising as birthdays are a reason for her to get her sing on.  (After singing, I asked him how to make chicken without burning my apartment to the ground.  Step by step he told me.  How to defrost chicken, how to use a George Foreman grill.  I made two pieces of chicken and I did not light Beacon Street on fire.  Success!)

Pa Lang, Alabama and me.

I called Gram after talking to Dad and she said, "It's your father's birthday today." The woman is a human date book.  She said she tried calling him, but the "goddamn operator kept telling me to press one!"  I told her to give it another shot later.  She agreed. (She was able to reach dad later in the day, she sang to him too.) Gram then said, "Ooooh.  You'll never guess what Mary picked up for Thanksgiving!"  I pretended my mom hadn't already told me.  "She bought a LARGE cheesecake.  It's beautiful.  It really is."  I told her I loved cheesecake, which really seemed to please her. "I don't know what I am going to wear yet." she said.  This  made me feel guilty, because I plan to wear sweatpants and a hoodie, but if Gram wears her vintage suit, don't I have to dress accordingly? We'll see how the prior night's festivities go. I might still be in the same outfit.

Gram asked what I was doing for the night, and I told her I was going to the movies.  "Whatcha gonna see?" she asked.  I told her I was going to see "New Moon."  She asked what it was about.  "Vampires." I said.  "Good for you!" she replied. Gram probably thought I said, "Umpires."  I can't imagine she would be rooting for Edward Cullen.  We said our goodbyes when she told me I needed to get ready for the movies.  Two hours before I was to leave.  "Love ya Honey Bunch.  Bye now."

Here's video of Gram implying that I am crazy. She does this close to the end.



In completely unrelated Phyllis news, I have been keeping a secret. When I decided to be Richard Simmons for Halloween (a decision made after reminiscing about the days when my mom used to "Sweat to the Oldies" and while doing so, I liked to scare the shit out of her) I started going to his web site every day.  Seth did too.  One day, I stumbled upon Richard's merchandise.  He has a line of dolls.  The most horrifying doll was Webbie Debbie.  This is an excerpt from her description:  "Hi, I’m Webbie Debbie! When my father’s not busy he lets me play on his laptop computer and gosh I meet so many friends! I send e-mails and chat to stay in touch but mostly I look for nail polish. Can you tell?" For obvious reasons, Seth and I became obsessed with this doll.  I showed everyone who understands my sick sense of humor.  Here's a picture:

Who would ever buy this doll?  Lucky for me, Seth did.  He ordered Webbie Debbie for Chris' birthday.  It took a lot for me not to mention Webbie Debbie to Chris as I have been drunk around him a few times and can occasionally have a big mouth, but I knew it would be worth it to keep this secret.  It was.  If you go to the Richard Simmons web site, Webbie Debbie is no longer available.  I am pretty sure Milton Teagle Simmons (his real name) only had one in stock.  I can't wait to scare Mom.  Maybe she will "sweat to the oldies" soon and I can run behind her and wave Webbie Debbie in her face.  I promise to get it on video.