Even if it's of Jesus Christ?

I had a lovely visit home this past weekend.  The Peter Pan ride was actually quite enjoyable.  The driver was the most enthusiastic Peter Pan employee I have ever encountered.  Tony Delgado introduced himself to all of the passengers and went over the benefits of Wi Fi.  "If you've got a laptop, you can do all sorts of fun things!"  I slept most of the way.  I was a tad hung over from a night out with CF.  I mentioned the horoscope change to her and she said, "OHMYGOD! I forgot this is your birthday dinner!"  I reminded CF that we already had that a few weeks ago.  Next time I will keep my mouth shut. 

Sista asked me to make dinner Saturday night.  You read that right, bitches.  I was asked to cook.  Pasta-less lasagna.  Success.  Meaghan loved the dish and my bippity boppin' brother-in-law loved it as well.  Tony's mom is a fantastic cook (she's in my top five), so he's hard to please.  Much like the Lang girls who grew up with Bill's gourmet meals. I asked Tony to cut the eggplant because his knives are very sharp.  I asked Meaghan to take the ground turkey out of the packaging because the smell of ground turkey makes me want to upchuck.  I gladly layered the lasagna. We made a great team. 

Gram's extra hard of hearing these days so I wrote her a note in all capital letters last week telling her I would be home.  I was dropped off at rehab at about 10:15 Sunday morning.  I saw some nurses I recognized and they told me Gram was napping.  They formally introduced themselves.  De'Nette and Dorothy. I like them. I went down to Gram's room and tapped her shoulder. She opened her eyes and kind of smiled.  I walked over to the front of her bed so she could see me better.  "HI HONEY BUNCH! I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YA!"  I was wearing glasses.  I see now how no one recognized that Clark Kent was Superman. Later Gram told me she thought I was her friend Claire.  Claire must be at least 70 and a member of AARP to be a friend of Gram's.  I was not flattered.

I pulled a bag of Oreos out of my bag and dangled them in front of Gram.  "WHERE'D YA GET THOSE? WASHINGTON?"  she asked. I said, "I got them at Meaghan's."  "I THOUGHT THEY WERE RUBBER GLOVES!" she said.  I also brought her some candy.  A few Andes mints and two mini peanut butter cups.  She managed to eat all of her treats during our visit.  De'Nette came to Gram's room and helped Gram into her wheelchair. I sat on Gram's bed. "This is my granddaughter!  She travels all over the United States!" Gram said. I went to Washington in October and NYC for a Christmas party last month.  I tried explaining this to Gram. She gave me a thumbs up sign. While in her room, I looked up at her bulletin board to see the latest photos that were up.

I counted myself in two photos.  Then, my eyes fell upon the above. I said, "Who the heck did that?"  Gram with her mouth full of Oreos and candy said, "WHAA?"  I said, "Who stabbed me in the head with the cross?"  "It's a palm!" Gram said. Like that made it OK.  "Your mother did that."  Kath came later to pick me up and when I confronted her she denied crucifying me.  Gram yelled, "Well, we know it's not me because I can't stand!"  I think it's the awful nurse that I gave serious attitude to on Thanksgiving.  I reserve my attitude for the worst of people. Scientologists and people that are not nice to Phyllis.  I believe in karma so I am not going to retaliate.

Anyway.  Back to Phyll. "Push me! I like to be pushed." she ordered.  (I can relate.  I loved being pushed in a shopping cart and something tells me I would enjoy it still.) I obliged and we went down to the room where Phyllis eats her meals.  "Are you still dating?" Gram asked.  I told her yes, I was and to stop worrying.  Maybe it is because I told her the bf was on vacation with his other girlfriend.  "He better not be!" she said.  I replied, "Men!" 

I pushed Gram back and forth between her room, the lobby and the lunch room. Every time we passed someone with a pulse, Gram said, "This is my granddaughter! She travels the country!"  At one point I asked Gram if I should get my nose pierced.  "No, don't do that."  "Belly button?"  She shook her head. Then I asked if I should get a tattoo.  She scrunched her nose.  "Even if it's of Jesus Christ?" I asked.  "I wouldn't do anything like that." she said. I will neva eva get a tattoo.  I am far too picky to like anything on my body for that long.  Kath would also go through the roof.  She called me a "miserable little wench" last week.  I cannot remember what provoked such a comment, but I assume tattoo backlash would be much worse.  I also won't dye my hair until required.  I only wish I felt that way in high school.

The visit with Phyllis was one of the best we have had in some time.  It was so great to see her in such good spirits.  Maybe she's got a bf of her own.  She denied this when I asked her, but she kept waving to the new guy. A granddaughter can hope. 

Until next time.
MLW

Not a Scorpio

I should have known that I would be called out for my lack of posts in the New Year.  I've been a busy bitch.  What else is new?  Here's a quick phyx.

How was everyone's holiday?  I had a wonderful Christmas. The boys are 3-years-old now, and they were oh so excited about Santa Claus coming down the chimney. I have been told that I believed in Santa until I was 15.  I think that's a lie, but Kath and Bill sheltered me a bit, so it could be true.  By sheltered I mean I had a "bed time" of 9:30 when I was a senior in high school.  Kath wouldn't let Meaghan and I eat mozzarella sticks until we were 16 because she was afraid we were going to choke on the cheese. "Small bites! You'll choke!"  she would yell.  I digress.  Back to Christmas.  I hope my nieces and nephews believe in Santa forever.  The bf gave me a Kindle.  For those of you who don't know, I am obsessed with reading and to have a gadget that allows me to read 24/7 is a dream come true.  I said to him, "Jonathan, now that I have this Kindle, I will be too busy to hang out with you."  He said, "Why do you think I got it?" Fresh. Anyway.  Book suggestions welcome.  For those curious, I gave the bf golf shoes. I had told CF of the shoes and she told me that it was a "great gift".  Well.  He liked the idea of the golf shoes, but not the actual style.  When CF asked me what he thought and I told her, she said, "Please tell him I thought they were a bad idea all along."

I don't know about any of you, but I am having a bit of an identity crisis.  Last night, I was on Facebook and saw a status about peeps Zodiac's signs changing.  I immediately called sista and said, "What Zodiac sign am I?"  Meaghan (took her time) and finally announced that I am now a Scorpio. I swore a little bit at the news.  I've been a Sagittarius for 27 plus years and I have always identified with my sign.  I think I am kind of funny - we're known for our sarcasm, and I rather enjoy my independence.  I read that Scorpio's are very emotional.  I have cried at "The Hills" before, but I don't think that counts.  It also said that Scorpio's make excellent doctors/surgeons.  I don't trust myself with a fork, never mind a scalpel. Though, I do like Grey's Anatomy. 

I am very excited for the weekend ahead.  I get to see my kids.  I miss them so much that I am at the point of stalking Meaghan's Facebook looking at pictures of them and tearing up a bit.  Last night I played three saved voicemails from the kids saying "Hi Titi.  I yuv you, Titi." This doesn't make me an emotional Scorpio, it just makes me a sap.  I also plan to have a nice long visit with Phyllis.  From what I hear she's in good spirits.  "Got any chocolate?" she asked Kath the other day.  I will have to bring her some.  I hope a good movie is on Lifetime.  We can fall asleep watching it together.  Kath also advised that Gram offered $50 for a shawl from her neighbor across the hall.  The neighbor wouldn't hear of it and said $30 is fine.  When Kath saw it she was not amused.  Apparently, it is a string of yarn that barely fits over her shoulders.  It doesn't sound like this shawl is ready to wear. 

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. This is the most adorable video I have eva seen. Happy Friday, bitches.