I called the main rehab line tonight. Normally, I have to leave a message with a nurse for Gram to call me. Once the nurse finds out that I am calling for Phyllis, the tone of their voice changes from Ben Stein-like to delight. "Of course I will tell her you called!" Tonight, however, Gram was at the nurse's station. "She's right here, Meredith!" Jackpot. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Talking to you." she replied. She told me she had just gotten back from getting a shot in her knee. I asked if it hurt. "Christ sakes. Do you think it tickled?" I told her she was in a smart-ass mood. Speaking of smart-ass, here's video of Gram kind of being one: (You won't get the title of this post unless you watch the video. The quote is in the beginning.)
Gram ended up telling me she had to go as she was leaning on the nurse's station and did not want to fall. We said our goodbyes. Five minutes later, she called me back. "I decided to use this phone so we could have some privacy." she said. "When ya comin' home?" she asked. I told her in a few weeks. I have plans to go home with my cousin Karen Valentine's Day weekend. We are going to babysit the twins and Alabama so Meaghan and Tony can go out. I told Karen at least we would have dates and to pick a twin. She said, "Whoever's easier." I am going to call Meaghan that week to see who's having the best week behavior wise. Then pick the opposite, because she will probably lie. My parents like Karen more than me. At least my mom does. When I told Kath of our plans she said, "Oh, would you like it if your father and I came over and made you girls dinner?" I told her that would be great. Last year my mom gave Karen and I Valentines Day gift bags. Included in ourbags were "52 Really Romantic Dates"card decks. We haven't had to use the cards.
I asked Gram where my letter was. I have been expecting one for good reason:
It's clear that she did not mail the letter the following day. "The letter is finished." she said. "I just have to put a stamp on it!" I have a card to send Gram. She rides a stationary bike for 15 minutes a day. "Christ, it kills me!" Gram said. I figure she can use some encouragement.
I wrote in the card that she is stronger than Arnold Schwarzenegger. She'll like that. Unlike Gram, I will actually send the card tomorrow. Maybe I should send the "52 Really Romantic Dates" deck of cards to her too. Dominic would love Edible Art. Don't say I am filthy, because my mom started it.
Let me start off by saying, I have been going to the gym lately. Swear. Last Friday, I had a free personal training session. It was fairly dumb of me to schedule this appointment for a Friday after work. When my co-workers were leaving at 4:00 for a drink, I couldn't say no. "I'll have just one." I said. I chose Coors Light because it's the closest alcohol to water. One turned into three and I ended up rushing to my apartment to get ready. I was slightly buzzed and thought eating peanut butter would rid me of any beer scent. It worked. I even made it on time. Just buzzed. Like Pearl from The Landlord. Thankfully, we didn't do much cardio. It was mostly arm weights. Even today, I cannot lift my arms over my head. I'm just glad I didn't throw up. That would be too embarrassing and I would never have returned. Now to stop eating Dove ice cream for dinner.
I was lucky enough to see Gram again this past weekend. My brother, his kids and I took a short day trip out to East Longmeadow on Saturday. No silent rides on the Peter Pan bus this time. Gram was able to leave rehab for some of the day. I told her I have been going to the gym lately. She asked if I had lost any weight and then said, "I oughta go to Jim." I have that on video, but will save it for another time. This video takes precedence.
So. Gram fights in rehab. Thankfully, this isn't the type of rehab where bad behavior lengthens your stay. Because Phyllis would be screwed. I am glad Gram fought back.
This is big news. My mother has made memory books for every family member, soccer coach and acquaintance at work. Nana Lang got the first one back in the 90s. It's a book with photos and then Kathy Lang writes captions under each photo. Every milestone birthday I had, I would always open my last present with such anticipation. Kind of like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, except he actually got the Red Ryder BB gun.
No dice for me though. After mom made one for a Friendly's employee (kidding, I think) I gave up for a while. This past year though, when visiting my parents, I would ask my mom the same question as I walked through the door. "Are you exhausted?" She would ask why and I would say, "From frantically clearing the table because you've been working on my memory book." This question clearly lit a fire under her ass, because I finally got my book. I looked at it while sitting next to Gram. Gram asked who was in every picture. It was kind of apparent.
Please excuse my flannel shirt. And the denim number. Here's short video of Gram and I looking through my memory book. The picture being referenced was an awful picture from my senior year of high school. I was tanorexic. With braces.
Gram remarked later that she should make a memory book of her own. She also said she was going to write me a letter on a placemat. She was eating dinner one night and the plates sat atop "lovely placemats". Gram wanted to write me a letter on it because she didn't get it dirty. If you recall, I bought her stationery for Christmas. I would prefer a placemat letter.
I took the Peter Pan bus home last Wednesday and my sister so kindly picked me up. I like to talk on the phone when I have nothing else to do, but apparently the driver had a better idea. "Cell phones are for emergency only," was the announcement I heard. After sighing loudly and wishing I had a door to slam, I listened to my "On The Go Playlist" on my iPod, which is mainly the Twilight soundtrack and The Beatles. Other than the silent factor, the ride wasn't bad.
The following morning, my chauffeur, Meaghan, brought me to see Gram. Meaghan visited for a bit too, but I had arranged for Kath to come pick me up so Gram and I could spend some quality time together. When we arrived, Gram was partaking in physical therapy. She and two fellow rehabbers and their therapist were throwing a little black ball. They moved onto kicking a huge Pilates ball. I so badly wanted to take video, but it's rude to take videos of strangers. The therapist advised them all not to kick the ball in the air. Gram was the only one who did not listen. It looked like fun and I wanted to play, but I didn't think Lorraine would appreciate my participation.
When Gram was done, we sat down at a table in the common area. Gram said that she had made a decision. "Now, listen. I have been thinking about somethin'." She went on to say that every grandchild had jewelry, i.e., a ring, except for yours truly. "Meredith is going to get my ring with the stones in it." Meaghan said, "What do I get?" Gram said, "You have a ring." That's right. I asked Gram if this was because she thought I might never have a ring. She said no, yet she managed to roll her eyes at the same time as though to say, "Well, duh."
To update you on Gram's nurse who wants to meet me:
Too bad he's married. I was looking forward to some soul food. After Gram gossiped about her new friends, a New Years party started to form. Employees started passing out sparkling cider, leis and noisemakers. When a lei was placed on Gram, I yelled, "Gram you got lei'd!" I forgot about everyone else in the room. We had a good chuckle though. Gram enjoyed some of the singing:
Things were loud and the songs were awful, so Gram and I went to her room. I took a few pictures.
I looked up some reviews of this one. (Gram doesn't like it.) This was my favorite on Amazon.com:
"this is the best book I've ever read. it pulled so much emotion out of me - from tears to joy. I could not put it down - it was like the obession I never had. I wanted it to go on and on yet I had to know the ending. If ever I wanted a squeal..."
What does "if I ever wanted a squeal" mean? Maybe I will add that to my to read list.
My mom showed up and visited with Gram for a bit as well. We had to leave so I could make dolos for Meggie and Vinnie's New Year party. You read right. I made something. I had help, but still. When my mom dropped me off to the party, Vinnie was outside. I had my backpack on and he said, "It's just like when you were little. Getting dropped off by your mom." I should have rented another Scion. At least my backpack isn't monogrammed.
Gram was supposed to go to Meaghan's on Saturday, but weather prevented that from happening. We visited her on Sunday morning (with the kids and Tony). Gram told me she wanted to introduce the kids to Albert. She dragged us down to his room, but he had a visitor. A man sharing the room with Albert saw us and said, "I'm going steady with your grandmother! We hold hands all the time!" I knew he wasn't Gram's type. She rolled her eyes at him. His name was Dominic and he immediately began ordering me to grab the cards off of his cork-board. In doing so, I knocked something over:
Do you know how long it took me to find that image on Google? Two long minutes. I have to delete my search history now. Thank God that Dominic's urinal was empty. "You can pick that up and put it there." He told me, pointing to his bureau. I could hear Meaghan giggling. Gram had enough of his antics and rolled her eyes at him one last time. We proceeded down the hallway, where Gram ran into a nurse. "Vivian!" she screamed. "I want you to meet Meaghan, Tony, Anthony, Nicholas and Annabella Rose!" I was standing right behind Gram and introduced myself, "And, I am Chopped Liver." Gram laughed. We brought Gram to lunch and planned to sit with her while she ate, but she said, "It was great seein' ya!" I told her to call me, but that's unlikely. I might call her now, but I am afraid Andre's going to answer. He works the 3-11 shift. That and Gram has a new sleep mask to block out her roommate's constant light. I wouldn't want to wake her.
