Sorry I haven't posted in quite some time. I've been a busy bitch. Last week I was on vacation. I camped for a week in New Hampshire. In a tent. When I told Bill Lang this, he scoffed, "But, you hate ants. I don't understand." I told him I have been camping for years. He seemed surprised. It was nice to discover that he has not been listening to a word I have said for the past decade. I ate and brushed my teeth while on the phone with him. He kept asking what I was doing and told me my mother would never stand for such noisy behavior. I said, "I'm almost done! That's why I wanted to talk to youuu, Dad. I have to make sure I am laying down when I talk to Mom." Kath goes nuts if you wash a dish while she's talking to you on the phone. "WHAT are you doing?" She will inquire. I always lie and tell her that I am doing nothing and that her phone is the problem. Dad asked how the bf was doing. He said, "He's not a goddamn Republican, is he?" I said, "NO. I could not date a Republican." He said, "I wouldn't allow it." Bill went on to tell me that part of his morning routine is to listen to Glenn Beck for five minutes. Then he shuts him off. In the next breath he told me his doctor told him his blood pressure was too high. "Christ sakes, stop listening to Glenn Beck." I said. He laughed and agreed that I was right. I know he will continue to listen just to let his blood boil. Glenn Beck, please don't kill my Pops. You're such a douchebag.
Gram is back to calling me again. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. I missed three calls from her on Sunday. By the time I realized this, it was too late to call her back. I missed a call from her Monday night. As soon as I saw this, I called her back. A nurse answered. I said, "Can I leave a message for Phyllis Fitzgerald?" The nurse replied, "Is this Meredith?" I told her it was. "She don't want Kathy, she wants Meredith. You're all she's been talkin' about. It's gonna make her day talkin' to you." Well. That made my day. I heard Gram say, "Thanks, Peggy!" Gram picked up the phone and screamed "HI HONEY BUNCH!" I yelled back, "HI GRAM!" "HOW'S THE ROMANCE GOIN'?" She asked. I told her it was going well. "What do you do together?" I wanted to say something risque, but decided against it. Phyllis says enough Novena's.
I could tell her mouth was full and I asked what she was eating. "A cookie!" she replied. It was chocolate chip. "When ya comin' home?" she asked. I told her I would be home next weekend for my friend's baby shower. "What kind of meetin' are ya havin'?" she asked. I repeated that I was going to a baby shower seven times. "You'll make time to see me?" she asked. I don't think Phyllis realizes how much I love visiting her and the biddies in Rehab. Gram told me she wants to talk with me about "things" when I visit. "What things? You got a boyfriend?" I asked. "Oh. You know." she said. She's an 86-year-old mystery.
My F and I are still walking. The other morning Michelle told me she watched Oprah for the first time this summer. "Do you know why nuns wear the white dresses?" she asked. I hadn't a clue. "It's their wedding dress to Jesus." she said. I bet Jesus doesn't get tears in his eyes when he sees a bitch in that dress. They are very unflattering.
Anyway. I am devastated as she returns to work in September. Maybe I will hold auditions for people who can walk fast and keep up with me. I am afraid to go it alone at that hour as we have encountered a total pervert. Let's just say he was not rapping to Eminem like I originally thought. It's too early to hear that kind of language. I am feisty, but I am not that strong. I need a taser. I found out I need my birth certificate to get an FID card if I want to legally carry mace. I am sure Kath knows just where she put it last. Luckily, she starts vacation today. I plan to call her and let her know I need her to find that document. That should make her day. I guess I won't chew gum in her ear.
