"I don't know her."

Kath has discovered email.  Well, she's known about it for a bit and I suppose uses it once in a while to send chain emails to her work pals, but she discovered that she can email Me.  I was not in the mood for chatting on the phone last night.  I knew I should call Kath to check in, but I was just tired and wanted to read my Kindle by book light.  I have made a habit of this.  I will get ready for bed at 7:45, shut my lights off and read my Kindle.  A few times I have woken up around 9:30 p.m. with the Kindle open next to me.  It's better than waking up with an empty bottle of wine on my chest at 4 a.m. circa 2008.  I couldn't fall asleep last night because I napped for a few hours during the day due to drinking a bottle of wine at lunch with CF.  We know how to celebrate President's Day in our family.  I checked my email around 10:00 and saw one from Kath (!).  Below is an excerpt:

>nothing much new-except, i have a little fever ~ 105, i got mugged this morning going to work, and i have to have major surgery<

I dialed Kath immediately, swearing at myself for being a bratty daughter (yet again) and not calling my mother.  Kath cheerily answered, "Hello!"  I yelled, "YOU GOT MUGGED?" "Oh, honey.  That was a joke.  You couldn't tell? What did you think of that story about Annabella?"  I asked her how she would feel if she received an email from me telling her I was raped on the way to the gym.  She dismissed that and said, "Let me know what you think about Annabella once you read it." Like I got that far in the email.  We chatted for a few and I told her I would email her in the morning.  Here is an excerpt:

>Have a good day. Don't email me later telling me you got carjacked. I will take you seriously. You will be the Mom who cried WOOF.<

I added the "WOOF" part to the end because I received a phone call from Kath after my most recent blog post asking me how to pronounce wolf.  She could barely breathe she was laughing so hard.  I told her it was her fault as my mother that she didn't teach me how to pronounce basic words.  However, I don't know if it was her fault that I mixed up the words organism and orgasm in fifth grade science class.  I can't recall how it was that I realized my gaffe, but I remember being in class one day reviewing my notes.  This moment was so traumatic, I remember the outfit I had on.  My all purple sweatsuit that made me look like Grimace. I saw "orgasm" and "orgasms" written down, page after page.  I felt myself turn red. I started scribbling furiously correcting them all.  I should have just used the caret punctuation mark and wrote "ni".  Maybe I did.  It wouldn't have mattered except our teacher reviewed our notebooks. Sorry, Mr. Kawa.



While we're on the subject, I will share another traumatic memory from fifth grade.  I was such a nerd that I forced my parents to allow me to switch schools because I wasn't challenged enough.  Somehow, I got my way.  My uncle was the principal at my new school.  All of the students knew and this did not get me any friends.  I only sat with people at lunch because the cafeteria was so small and I was forced to sit with a group.  When we had lunch outside in the nicer weather, I ate by myself.  No need to feel bad. I had friends outside of school, I just hated the wretched children in my class. They were 10-year-old criminals, stealing pills from their parents and skipping school. I couldn't relate at the time. Anyway. It was the last week of school and I sat in the back row. It was also 90 degrees. I was daydreaming of summer when the door opened and in walked Phyllis and my two cousins with my uncle.  Gram was sweating profusely, her hair matted to her forehead because she didn't have air conditioning in her car. She was wearing a purple and blue ensemble that if I explained it to my sister, she would know what I was talking about. I could see their eyes scan the room looking for me.  I was spotted.  The three of them stood there, beaming and waving at me. I just stared at them and sunk into my chair.  Bianca, who sat in front of me said, "That your Nana?"  I said, "I don't know her."

I will ask Gram if she remembers that day next time I visit.  Not likely. 

In the time that I have written this post, Kath has emailed me back.  She shared an interaction she had with Phyllis today:

>Visited w/gram.  Not much conversation.  I told her powerball was 155 M and proceeded to tell her to give me a number -any number 1 -->  39.  She pondered for awhile-quite awhile and finally blurted out "40." I didn't say anything and after about a minute she turns to me and started laughing-she had just realized what she said-she's truly a trip.<

Speaking of Gram, we just had a four minute conversation. She was not wearing her hearing aids.  During our chat I told her that I was becoming a nun and that I have a tattoo of the Virgin Mary on my back.  "THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY CARD" was her reply. I screamed for about two minutes when she said "Love ya Honey Bunch.  Bye now." 


Too bad Phyllis can't email me.  I would set up an account just for her emails: honeybunch@gmail.com. I wonder if that's taken. 

Dash Hounds and Sneaky cats

I called Gram last night.  I wanted to let her know to expect a letter from me.  I said this to her and she said, "HOW IS JP?" I think I annoyed her by talking when all she wanted was to get to the good stuff.  I imagined her sitting there wearing her 50 dolla shawl, rolling her eyes and impatiently waiting for her turn to talk.  Maybe I will give her his phone number.  That would be such fun for him. I bet my name wouldn't even come up. "JONATHAN, HOW ARE YOU? YOU DATIN' ANYONE SPECIAL?" She told me that Kath asked her if she'd heard from me lately.  I said, "I just talked to Ma yesterday. She knows I was planning to call you tonight. " She said, "Well.  You better write her too."  Fresh.  I told Gram I would be coming home in the next couple of weeks, I just haven't figured out a date.  She said she was "anxious" to see me.  I guess that is a good thing.  I miss her terribly.  And my kids.  Here's the latest letter:

"Monday February 7, 2011
 HI GRAM!

I AM SO SORRY THAT I DIDN’T WRITE YOU A LETTER AS PROMISED LAST WEEK. I AM A TERRIBLE GRANDDAUGHTER AND SHOULD BE BURNED AT THE STAKE. I HOPE YOU DON’T TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY. I AM AFRAID OF FIRE.

HOW ARE YOU? DID YOU WATCH THE SUPER BOWL? I AM GLAD THAT DREADFUL SPORT IS OVER FOR NOW. IT’S SO BORING! BIG MEN RUNNING AROUND CHASING AN ODDLY SHAPED BALL. AND THEN, EVERY TWO SECONDS, THEY BLOW THE WHISTLE. MEN!

BASEBALL SEASON STARTS SOON. I BET YOU’RE EXCITED. I DIDN’T CATCH TOO MUCH BASEBALL LAST YEAR. MAYBE I WILL THIS YEAR. IT IS VERY TIME CONSUMING AND I AM A BUSY GIRL.

I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHEN I WILL BE HOME NEXT. IT WILL BE THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. I WILL BRING YOU SOME TREATS. ANY SPECIAL REQUESTS? RUMOR HAS IT THAT YOU LIKE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS. I AM GOING DOWNHILL SKIING FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER THIS WEEKEND. I EXPECT TO FALL A LOT. JONATHAN BETTER WEAR A HELMET. IF HE WERE TO GET HURT, WE WOULD BOTH BE BOO HOOIN’.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP FOR LENT? LAST YEAR I GAVE UP SALSA CON QUESO. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR ME? MAYBE I WILL GIVE UP SWEARING.

I JUST OVERDOSED ON BLUEBERRIES AND COULD REALLY USE A NAP. I WILL CALL YOU TONIGHT AND TELL YOU THAT YOU WILL BE RECEIVING A LETTER FROM ME SOON. I WOULD IMAGINE AS EARLY AS TOMORROW! WHAT A TREAT. I HOPE YOU’RE DOING WELL AND STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE. WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER WALKER WAR IN 2011.

I LOVE YOU TO REESE’S PIECES AND CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

LOVE,

MEREDITH ELIZABETH LANG"

I normally head home for Valentines Day and have a date with Gram.  However, I am going skiing this weekend.  For the first time eva.  I am excited, though a little sad I can't watch a V-Day Lifetime movie with Phyllis this year.  I wonder if Kath will give me a V-Day gift bag now that I have a bf.  Not likely if she's anything like her husband.  I was telling sista friend that this was the first year Bill hadn't given me an additional gift card for my birthday and Christmas.  She said, "I never get extra from him!"  I said, "That's what happens when you're the favorite child."  She replied, "More like that's what happens when you're single." Whatever helps her sleep at night. 

I talked to Kath on Sunday.  I told her I was at the bf's parents and that the dog and cat were sitting at my feet.  "What kind of cat?" I'm impressed she even asked because Kath is not fond of cats. I recently asked the reason behind this.  "They are just SO sneaky!" I think she watched too many Disney movies. Anyway. I said, "It's orange?" Then she asked its name. "Indy." "CINDY?" I corrected her. "What kind of dog is it?" she asked.  I said, "A hot dog." She replied, "Oh. A dash hound." A couple of weeks ago when I called, she told me she was watching a movie.  I asked which one and she said, "Something with Leonardo DiCaprico." So, this time, when she said "dash hound" I replied, "Did you hear they are making a movie about dash hounds with Leonardo DiCaprico?"  She called me a wise ass and tried for two minutes to pronounce dachshund without success. I thought a hearse was pronounced "hearst" for 26 years and for the longest time I pronounced wolf as "woof". The latter in that sentence is just embarrassing.  I blame Kath.

In other news, I am oh so looking forward to the end of winter.  Come spring, I am going to attempt to run a 5K for the second time.  Two summers ago I ran in one with my pal Sam and placed 1160 out of 1200. In my defense, I was hung over and had a FUPA.  I am back to feeling more athletic now.  I wasn't voted "Most Athletic" in the 8th grade without reason.  That and when doing box jumps at the gym last week, a woman applauded me.  I took off my headphones because I could see she was saying something and she said, "Are you a dancer?"  I just about died.  She went on to say that I was impressive to watch.  Please just know that I felt the need to publish this tidbit of information as I was relentlessly made fun of after my first 5K and I want those bitches to know how far I have come.  When I told Sam about the dancer comment, she replied, "She probably meant a stripper."  When we "trained" for our first 5K Sam told me I looked like a Tyrannosaurus Rex as I jogged along with my arms up high and close to my chest.

 
I am going to wear that shirt and chase her around. 

Until next time. 

Sneaky cats:

Even if it's of Jesus Christ?

I had a lovely visit home this past weekend.  The Peter Pan ride was actually quite enjoyable.  The driver was the most enthusiastic Peter Pan employee I have ever encountered.  Tony Delgado introduced himself to all of the passengers and went over the benefits of Wi Fi.  "If you've got a laptop, you can do all sorts of fun things!"  I slept most of the way.  I was a tad hung over from a night out with CF.  I mentioned the horoscope change to her and she said, "OHMYGOD! I forgot this is your birthday dinner!"  I reminded CF that we already had that a few weeks ago.  Next time I will keep my mouth shut. 

Sista asked me to make dinner Saturday night.  You read that right, bitches.  I was asked to cook.  Pasta-less lasagna.  Success.  Meaghan loved the dish and my bippity boppin' brother-in-law loved it as well.  Tony's mom is a fantastic cook (she's in my top five), so he's hard to please.  Much like the Lang girls who grew up with Bill's gourmet meals. I asked Tony to cut the eggplant because his knives are very sharp.  I asked Meaghan to take the ground turkey out of the packaging because the smell of ground turkey makes me want to upchuck.  I gladly layered the lasagna. We made a great team. 

Gram's extra hard of hearing these days so I wrote her a note in all capital letters last week telling her I would be home.  I was dropped off at rehab at about 10:15 Sunday morning.  I saw some nurses I recognized and they told me Gram was napping.  They formally introduced themselves.  De'Nette and Dorothy. I like them. I went down to Gram's room and tapped her shoulder. She opened her eyes and kind of smiled.  I walked over to the front of her bed so she could see me better.  "HI HONEY BUNCH! I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YA!"  I was wearing glasses.  I see now how no one recognized that Clark Kent was Superman. Later Gram told me she thought I was her friend Claire.  Claire must be at least 70 and a member of AARP to be a friend of Gram's.  I was not flattered.

I pulled a bag of Oreos out of my bag and dangled them in front of Gram.  "WHERE'D YA GET THOSE? WASHINGTON?"  she asked. I said, "I got them at Meaghan's."  "I THOUGHT THEY WERE RUBBER GLOVES!" she said.  I also brought her some candy.  A few Andes mints and two mini peanut butter cups.  She managed to eat all of her treats during our visit.  De'Nette came to Gram's room and helped Gram into her wheelchair. I sat on Gram's bed. "This is my granddaughter!  She travels all over the United States!" Gram said. I went to Washington in October and NYC for a Christmas party last month.  I tried explaining this to Gram. She gave me a thumbs up sign. While in her room, I looked up at her bulletin board to see the latest photos that were up.

I counted myself in two photos.  Then, my eyes fell upon the above. I said, "Who the heck did that?"  Gram with her mouth full of Oreos and candy said, "WHAA?"  I said, "Who stabbed me in the head with the cross?"  "It's a palm!" Gram said. Like that made it OK.  "Your mother did that."  Kath came later to pick me up and when I confronted her she denied crucifying me.  Gram yelled, "Well, we know it's not me because I can't stand!"  I think it's the awful nurse that I gave serious attitude to on Thanksgiving.  I reserve my attitude for the worst of people. Scientologists and people that are not nice to Phyllis.  I believe in karma so I am not going to retaliate.

Anyway.  Back to Phyll. "Push me! I like to be pushed." she ordered.  (I can relate.  I loved being pushed in a shopping cart and something tells me I would enjoy it still.) I obliged and we went down to the room where Phyllis eats her meals.  "Are you still dating?" Gram asked.  I told her yes, I was and to stop worrying.  Maybe it is because I told her the bf was on vacation with his other girlfriend.  "He better not be!" she said.  I replied, "Men!" 

I pushed Gram back and forth between her room, the lobby and the lunch room. Every time we passed someone with a pulse, Gram said, "This is my granddaughter! She travels the country!"  At one point I asked Gram if I should get my nose pierced.  "No, don't do that."  "Belly button?"  She shook her head. Then I asked if I should get a tattoo.  She scrunched her nose.  "Even if it's of Jesus Christ?" I asked.  "I wouldn't do anything like that." she said. I will neva eva get a tattoo.  I am far too picky to like anything on my body for that long.  Kath would also go through the roof.  She called me a "miserable little wench" last week.  I cannot remember what provoked such a comment, but I assume tattoo backlash would be much worse.  I also won't dye my hair until required.  I only wish I felt that way in high school.

The visit with Phyllis was one of the best we have had in some time.  It was so great to see her in such good spirits.  Maybe she's got a bf of her own.  She denied this when I asked her, but she kept waving to the new guy. A granddaughter can hope. 

Until next time.
MLW

Not a Scorpio

I should have known that I would be called out for my lack of posts in the New Year.  I've been a busy bitch.  What else is new?  Here's a quick phyx.

How was everyone's holiday?  I had a wonderful Christmas. The boys are 3-years-old now, and they were oh so excited about Santa Claus coming down the chimney. I have been told that I believed in Santa until I was 15.  I think that's a lie, but Kath and Bill sheltered me a bit, so it could be true.  By sheltered I mean I had a "bed time" of 9:30 when I was a senior in high school.  Kath wouldn't let Meaghan and I eat mozzarella sticks until we were 16 because she was afraid we were going to choke on the cheese. "Small bites! You'll choke!"  she would yell.  I digress.  Back to Christmas.  I hope my nieces and nephews believe in Santa forever.  The bf gave me a Kindle.  For those of you who don't know, I am obsessed with reading and to have a gadget that allows me to read 24/7 is a dream come true.  I said to him, "Jonathan, now that I have this Kindle, I will be too busy to hang out with you."  He said, "Why do you think I got it?" Fresh. Anyway.  Book suggestions welcome.  For those curious, I gave the bf golf shoes. I had told CF of the shoes and she told me that it was a "great gift".  Well.  He liked the idea of the golf shoes, but not the actual style.  When CF asked me what he thought and I told her, she said, "Please tell him I thought they were a bad idea all along."

I don't know about any of you, but I am having a bit of an identity crisis.  Last night, I was on Facebook and saw a status about peeps Zodiac's signs changing.  I immediately called sista and said, "What Zodiac sign am I?"  Meaghan (took her time) and finally announced that I am now a Scorpio. I swore a little bit at the news.  I've been a Sagittarius for 27 plus years and I have always identified with my sign.  I think I am kind of funny - we're known for our sarcasm, and I rather enjoy my independence.  I read that Scorpio's are very emotional.  I have cried at "The Hills" before, but I don't think that counts.  It also said that Scorpio's make excellent doctors/surgeons.  I don't trust myself with a fork, never mind a scalpel. Though, I do like Grey's Anatomy. 

I am very excited for the weekend ahead.  I get to see my kids.  I miss them so much that I am at the point of stalking Meaghan's Facebook looking at pictures of them and tearing up a bit.  Last night I played three saved voicemails from the kids saying "Hi Titi.  I yuv you, Titi." This doesn't make me an emotional Scorpio, it just makes me a sap.  I also plan to have a nice long visit with Phyllis.  From what I hear she's in good spirits.  "Got any chocolate?" she asked Kath the other day.  I will have to bring her some.  I hope a good movie is on Lifetime.  We can fall asleep watching it together.  Kath also advised that Gram offered $50 for a shawl from her neighbor across the hall.  The neighbor wouldn't hear of it and said $30 is fine.  When Kath saw it she was not amused.  Apparently, it is a string of yarn that barely fits over her shoulders.  It doesn't sound like this shawl is ready to wear. 

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. This is the most adorable video I have eva seen. Happy Friday, bitches.

Kind of like Sling Blade.

I had a dentist appointment earlier this week.  I do not like the dentist.  I remember going as a child and the dentist asking me how my gag reflex was.  Not knowing what he meant, I said, "It's fine." The moment he shoved a wad of cotton in my mouth, I almost vomited after biting his hand off.  You shouldn't expect an eight-year-old to know what gag reflex means.  That wasn't part of Bill Lang's National Geographic Trivia.  Speaking of Bill Lang.  He has the weakest stomach known to man.  One time, sista woke Bill in the middle of the night after she vomited.  Instead of consoling her and holding her hair back, a la Kathy Lang, he ran to the kitchen sink and vomited himself.  When our baby teeth were loose and we wanted to show Dad, he'd quickly look away and request for us to immediately cease what we were doing.  If we mentioned urine at the dinner table, we would hear, "Girls!" As a child, I never understood why he was such a wuss and was grateful he didn't pass that gene on.  However, now that I am an adult, I have discovered that this has changed.  At my dentist cleaning, while the hygienist was poking my gums with that devil instrument, I was gripping the arms of the chair afraid I was going to upchuck all over the poor girl.  My body was hot and my eyes wide open.  She kept apologizing.  It was torture.

Following the cleaning, I had to get a tiny cavity filled. The doctor's assistant, Cheryl, asked how I was and I sighed heavily and told her I was ok. I despise needles and was filled with dread all day knowing I was going to be shot up with Novocaine.  However, as I lay in the chair, Dr. R. said, "I'm not going to numb you."  I said, "Are you crazy? Why not?"  She laughed and told me the cavity was so small that the injection would be more painful.  All I had to do was raise my hand if I wanted her to numb me at any point.  I thought "She is whack," but I decided to trust a bitch.  Things were going well until she lightly touched my nerve with the drill causing me to almost eat it.  This caused Cheryl to drop her suction tool and delayed the process for five minutes.  Cheryl finally collected herself and started talking about a show she watched on TV about Superminds. "These people can remember what they wore and ate for breakfast 17 years ago!"  "Eewee?" I said. "Yeah!" Cheryl exclaimed. It amazes me how dentists understand their patients with all that junk in their mouths.  My friend told me he usually grunts the whole time.  "Like Helen Keller trying to figure out a math problem."  Dr. R. told us she used to remember everything from school, but not so much as she gets older.  Cheryl said, "That's cause you're havin' a baby! Your mind gets fuzzy."  "Eh a oo oo" I asked.  She didn't understand, so I made a motion with my hand of a pregnant stomach.  "Oh! I am due April 20." she said. "People tell me it's called the pot day." I tried to nod as if to tell her, "Yes. It is the pot day." I stopped myself and instead just attempted a laugh.  Cheryl had never heard of 420.  I was shocked as I assumed she was going to go home and smoke some "dope" as Kath would say.  "Is it a day that people don't smoke pot?" Cheryl asked.  Maybe she was playing dumb.  The conversation then moved on to a male doctor who enjoyed his women.  It ended up being my favorite dental experience. 

I can't wait for my checkup in six months.

In other news. My CF took me out for my birthday last week.  The food and wine were great.  The service was, too.  Until our server looked at my CF and said, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Kirsten Dunst?"  I quickly defended her and said, "No. But she's been told she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones."  He corrected me on my pronunciation of Zeta.  Douche.  My CF said, "That's great, so I look drunk."   

She looks nothing like her.  Kath will be pissed when she finds out.  She gets very defensive when people tell me I look like Katie Holmes.  "You look nothing like her!" she'll snap when I tell her I heard it from a new person. I don't mind.  I just wouldn't want her to play me in a movie.  She's such a bore. I digress. We were walking out of the restaurant and my CF said, "Lately, I have noticed that I move slow.  Kind of like Sling Blade." 



She's something else.  I have to admit, she was moving slow.  Anyway.  I've got a full day of Phyllis comin' up on Saturday.  No better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.  I hope Gram likes her present.  I am so excited to see my kids, I could cry.  And, the rest of the fam too.  It's been a while.

Feliz Navidad, bitches.