Maybe we'll get wild.

Monday night was a talk on the phone kind of night.  Some nights I ignore all phone calls.  Sorry.  My Catholic guilt usually kicks in though, and I call right back.  Other nights, I reach out and call a bitch.  First I called Gram. "HI HONEY BUNCH! HOW ARE YA?" she yelled.  I told her I was good, a bit busy.  "YOU STILL GOIN' WITH JP?"  I told her I indeed was.  Phyllis informed the both of us on a recent visit that if the bf were to leave me I would be "Boo hooin'".   I thought to myself, "Who would leave this?"  Anyway. Gram asked when I would be home next and I told her I would see her on Christmas Eve.  She asked if I could write her a note and let her know the dates I would be home.  She said. "I know it's hard, honey bunch, but I would really appreciate it."  I told her I would write her a note the next day and she'd get it this week.  Phyllis told me she would try and write me a note as well.  I hope it's on a paper placemat.

Letter to Phyllis:

I like to put in a picture of us so she remembers how cute we are.  Even if I do look a tad Jersey Shore. I put the letter in a pink envelope adorned with hearts and stars and sent it off.  With any luck she received it today.  After Gram, it was Kath's turn.  She informed me she won't tell me stories anymore since they will end up in my blog.  "But, everyone loves you, Mom!"  I whined. I think she should be flattered.  She went on to tell me, "Your blog only has 21 followers."  If that's the case, then only 21 people read about her antics.  That's what I should have said.  Since my blog only has 21 followers, I don't even care that my phone number is in plain sight for the world to see.  If you call, I won't answer anyway.

In other news.  Time to start thinking about your New Year's Resolutions.  Does anyone have any good ones?  I think 2009 was the only year I honored my resolutions.  I don't think I made any last year.  This year I have a few.  I am going to post them on here so I am held accountable.  1.) I need to drink more water. My bladder is the size of an ant's so not only will that be fun, it will be convenient.  I won't drink water when I take the Peter Pan home.  I'm too afraid to leave my backpack and I don't trust strangers.  2.) Kick heroin. Thanks for the support, Ma. 3.) I need to post on this piece more.  4.) Lastly, I must read the news on the regular.  I hadn't a clue what WikiLeaks was until the BZ explained it to me last week.  I assumed classified news was leaked on Wikipedia.com.  Bill Lang and CF are going to kill me.  Less New York Housewives, more New York Times.

To end, I have to comment on the latest celeb split.  If anyone remembers, I wished back in April for this break-up.  ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds are ova.  I sure hope he gives Sandra Bullock a call.  I think Betty White would agree.

Until next time, 

Meredith Elizabeth Lang

"CIAO."

Tis the season for holiday parties. I have two this weekend, three next weekend and then it's Christmas.  My work Christmas party is tonight  After a fancy dinner, we're going to "da club", so I knew I would not be allowed to roll up in my usual homeless attire.  "What, you don't like my XL male hoodie, boss?"  I am not what you would call trendy. I think the last time I wore a skirt was the 90's.  That's not true, but it has been years.  I'm more of a jeans or yoga pants kind of gal.  Anyway.  I knew I had to step it up.  As you all know, I think shopping is for the devil.  I despise it.  It took me three shopping trips to find an outfit to wear.  First trip, I bought a little black dress to wear with leggings and boots.  Looked great at the store.  Then I went home and tried it on.  I looked like I was dressing up as a slutty witch on Halloween.  Kath def would not have approved. Then I tried on a green shirt, again with the leggings and boots.  Initially, I thought, "Oh, cute!"  Then I realized I looked like Peter Pan.  I suppose I have a new outfit for the bus.

My last resort was a fetch little store in the North End.  Normally when a retail employee asks me if I need help, I avoid eye contact and say, "I'm all set, just looking!"  This time, when the lady asked if there was anything specific I was looking for, I replied, "Yes! Something for my work party that goes with leggings and boots.  And it has to cover my ass." She immediately went to work.  She found a few items and I said I would start with those.  She also suggested a belt to wear, but I politely declined.  I love the Kardashian's, but I would look like an ass dressing like one.  I only tried on one item and it met the criteria above.  Sold.

In other news.  Still haven't done too much Christmas shopping.  However, that is because I have a personal shopper.  Thanks, sista friend!  Thanksgiving was lovely.  It was wonderful spending an entire day with Phyllis.  She looked marvelous.  And, I was not too hung over like last year.  My brother-in-law's (hey, cognato!) grandmother from Italy moved to the states recently and was also in attendance.  Phyllis was glad to have someone close to her age to talk to, even though Bisnonna does not speak English.  At one point, Gram yelled across the table, "NOW. JUST SAY YES OR NO.  DO YOU LIKE LIVING IN THE UNITED STATES?"  That's almost like the time I met Vinnie's cousin from Italy.  I was introduced to his cousin and I said, "CIAO."  He looked at me a little strangely and said "Ciao" back.  Only later when he was speaking perfect English did I realize it was his cousin from East Longmeadow, Massachusetts.  Phyll and I make a great team.  We are great with the I-talians.

I am getting closer to my 30s.  Wonderful.  My sister was a sketch and told me she would drive me back to Boston as a birthday present.  I thought, OK.  The plan was to get Indian takeout for my family birthday bash.  Kath does not eat any food other than traditional grilled chicken sandwiches, "MayoonthesidenotomatocanIhavecoleslawinsteadoffriesIdon'tknowifIlikeyourfriessoIdon'twanttochanceitOHand canIhaveaDietCokewithjustalittlebitoficeactuallycanyouputtheiceinaseparateglassthanksmarie"  So, I thought we each could eat what we wanted in the comfort of my sista's home.  Mom could have a Diet Coke and not worry about the amount of ice and I could get some chicken masala.  I napped while waiting for the food.  I was exhausted from waking up at 3:17 a.m. for the Black Friday excursion.  I didn't even bother showering that day.  What.  Meaghan asked if I could get the door for delivery.  I hate when she does that.  I don't like talking to strangers.  We fight over who has to call for takeout constantly.  I grabbed the money from the counter and opened the door. The handsome Indian delivery man said, "Hey."  I looked at him. I said, "Hi" and looked down to count the money.  When I looked back up, I realized it was the bf.  What a guy.  He even had the food.

I don't have any other updates.  My CF and I chatted for two hours and 20 minutes the other night.  We have a wine date next Friday.  I can't wait. I will have to tell her to hold off on watching our latest favorite Bravo show so we can watch together like old times.  Actually, we will probably both have watched it and just want to watch it again.  Anyway.  I'll end by posting this gem of a song.  You're welcome.



Must Love Gran Crackers

What up, bitches?  This will be a quick one since I don't have too much to say.  However, I will be spending a decent amount of time with Phyllis this week and will hopefully have a post worthy update for you next week.  Anyway. Have you started your holiday shopping yet?  If you are anything like me then that answer is no.  I am the worst.  Last year, I did my Christmas shopping the week after.  I don't have a car and I hate shopping.  And other people that shop.  They walk too slow.  I end up swearing at them under my breath.  Holiday procrastination doesn't run in the family.  My sista and Kath are always prepared. I never partake in Black Friday because I can't think of a worse way to spend a day.  However, when sista Meaghan sexted me asking if I was going to go, she wrote, "It wasnt that bad last yr. It was kinda fun :)"  I knew she wanted me to go because she included a smiley face emoticon.  Sold. 

In other news.  The little bean can say "Titi".  I called two Friday's ago.  She grabbed the phone, or so I like to think, and said, "Hii."  Then she said, "Titi." My heart melted.  Of course, this task took me a bit of time to teach my little bean.  Months, actually.  I wasn't too pleased when, during a recent visit with the bf, Kath said, "Annabella, can you say JP?"  She said, "JPeee".  She's a little shit.

See?

The bf and I had  a lovely visit with Phyllis two weekends ago.  Gram is starting to act like her fresh self when Jon P. is around, which must mean she feels comfortable in his presence.  At two points she said that I needed a spanking over the knee.  I reminded her that I was not hit as a child.  No need to change things this late in life.  I don't even recall what I said to bring about such a comment.  I asked Gram if she had a boyfriend.  "Not yet!"  she said.  Good thing I love to Google  shit. I stumbled upon this little gem of a site:  http://www.datingforseniors.com/. I found 139 potential matches for Phyllis.  I can't wait to set up a profile for her on Thursday.  "Must Love Gran Crackers". During the visit, I noticed that the time on her watch was still an hour ahead. I tried fixing it to no avail.  I enlisted the help of Jon P.  He was able to fix it.  I put it on Gram and said, "It's a good thing you have his business card.  You can call him at allll hours of the night if you have any issues with your watch."  She gave me a questioning look.  To which I replied, "He is up all hours because he is addicted to drugs."  Gram kept asking me to repeat myself.  I did, but she obviously did not hear me. I finally yelled, "HE'S A DRUG ADDICT."  Maybe that is when she said I deserved a spanking. 

Just to let everyone know, (so I don't get a beating, though Bill Lang would say I deserve it), the bf is not addicted to drugs.  Drug addicts are too high maintenance. 

I'll end on that note.  Everyone, have a lovely Turkey day.  Here's to hopin' Phyllis finds her gran cracker love.  And, happy, happy birthday, Pops!

Burqa Bean

It has been a while.  What else is new. Much has happened since my last post.  No croup, though.

I drove a car for the first time in almost a year.  When I arrived at Fox Rent-A-Car in Seattle, there was a silver Honda Civic waiting for me to get in.  For anyone who doesn't know, that was the same car I used to drive.  Phyllis would have been so excited.  My old driving habits quickly took over.  I was passing slow people and riding people's asses if they were going too slow in the fast lane.  The speed limit on some areas of the highway was 70. That meant I could go 80.  I like to make Bill Lang proud.

My nephews turned "free".  I would appreciate it if they stopped growing.  When I went home for Meggie's wedding weekend, my sista and I took a trip to the mall with all three kids in tow.  I was holding both of the boys hands walking through Macy's.  We walked by the Junior Girls Department.  There were some skanky dresses.  I said, "Anthony, Nicholas, do you like these dresses?"  They looked at me and didn't respond.  I said, "Good.  Never date a girl that wears one of those dresses.  Date a girl that dresses like Titi." I hope they won't need counseling.  I told Tony I would be dressing my little bean up as a ho fo sho before hot dates.  I was kidding.  If Meaghan is anything like Kath, Annabella will be dressed in burqa's through college. My little burqa bean is also very close to saying "Titi".  She says, "Ti".  I will take what I can get. 

My best friend got married.  I smile as I type that.  Meggie was the most beautiful bride.  Vinnie looked a'ight. Their wedding was perfect.  No one tripped down the aisle, i.e. this girl.  I thought I would be a sobbing mess throughout the ceremony, but managed to maintain my composure.  My posture was perfect as well.  Vinnie's nephews told me so.  I am glad I wore a ballgown because no one could see my legs shaking.  I don't know why I was so nervous.  I  will need to take Ativan on my own wedding day. I also managed to make it through my speech without vomiting or crying.  I would rather drink whole milk than do any form of public speaking. 

Speaking of which, I had to present for work last week.  Again, I was a nervous wreck.  An employee asked me to "Speak up just a bit."  I smiled and said, "Oh, sure! That's my one weakness."  I quickly realized my gaffe, and started to awkwardly explain myself to the audience of 30. Then decided to just let it go.  I am glad I decided not to elaborate because I have lots of weaknesses.  Chocolate, fro-yo, my arm strength.  I should borrow Kath's Shake Weight.

Anyway.  The wedding weekend fittingly ended at Rehab with a visit with Phyllis.  She was delighted to see me and "John P".  Gram has a new nickname for the bf every visit.  I brought her a bunch of candy for Halloween.  She had a peanut butter cup and two kit kats during the visit.  She tried pushing a Tootsie Pop on me, but I declined.  I told Gram that I was "very hung over."  She smiled.  John P. told her that we cut up the dance floor at the wedding.  Gram seemed impressed.  Unfortunately, we did not see the biddies.  (My brother visited with Gram a few weeks ago. He was lucky enough to meet Roberta. As she does with me, she kept asking him who he was. He gave her a different answer each time. Clever.) We chatted about Thanksgiving.  I am so looking forward to a long visit with Phyllis.  And watching Toy Story 3 with my kids. They are so cute, I am afraid I am going to eat them. 

To end, I am going to post the oh so wonderful Mockumentary written and directed by Michael Ford.  Amazing.  Even if you don't know the DeCesare's, this shiz is funny.  And, a little crude.  I hope my brother didn't end up watching.  He shouldn't hear his baby sista talk like that. 

Relationship In Slow Motion [Part 1] from Michael Ford on Vimeo.

Relationship In Slow Motion [Part 2] from Michael Ford on Vimeo.

The Croup.

Thought I would surprise everyone and post a quick one before the long weekend. 

I saw my CF this week.  It had been far too long.  She makes me laugh.  I would like to put in writing that I love her bangs.  XO, if you're reading this cousin friend.  We talked about her self diagnosis of hypertension and Meggie's wedding. She asked if the BZ would mind if she showed up at midnight wearing a Scream mask.  Fingers crossed she does.  Then we gushed about her nephew and my kids.  Bartenders must think we're crazy.  We guzzle wine and talk about toddlers.  That sentence was super creep to type, but it's the truth.  They're all just so cute.  We're a lucky family.

I finally ran on my quad.  I didn't fall or pass out.  I didn't exactly full out sprint either.  Baby steps.  My personal trainer made me stretch a ton prior to running.  I think it helped.  Who knew.

Last night I checked in with Phyllis.  When she picked up the phone, she screamed, "HI HONEY BUNCH! HOW ARE YOU?"  I told her I was good.  Then she threw a curve ball.  She said, "HOW'S JP? ARE YOU STILL TOGETHER?"  Apparently, they are now "boys" and she can call him by his more common nickname.  I think she really likes him as she keeps making sure that we have not broken up.  "WHAT DID HE THINK OF ME?" she asked.  I told her he thought she was a great, funny person.  "OOH, THAT'S NICE." she replied.  I said, "How could anyone not think that?"  She laughed.  I miss her.  I know that later on I am going to be told that this blog is all about him and it should be titled, "JP and Phyllis are my heroes."  Be careful what you wish for, budday.

After my last post, my sister suggested I write about my bouts with the croup as a child.  I am glad she found such humor in the torture I went through on an annual basis.  My family would leave me at home while they went and picked out the Christmas tree.  Or, take Meaghan to visit Santa Claus and just have her tell him what I wanted.  Anyway.  I was a 9 pound baby. Rumor has it, heavier babies are afflicted with the croup more as children.  Maybe Kath just told me that because she's still pissed she had to carry such a load for nine months.  Should have laid off the manicotti, Ma.  I remember having high fevers, a closed throat and not being able to breathe.  When I couldn't breathe, I would bang on the couch to get someone's attention to inform them that I was in fact dying.  A few times Ma and Pa Lang had to take me to the emergency room.  One specific time is a favorite of theirs.  Meaghan was there, too.  I was maybe 4 and the doctor asked if he could take my temperature.  When he told me where he planned to take my temperature, I did not like his idea.  I sat there with my arms crossed and refused to budge.  My eyes were slits and I just glared at him.  You know, I am not sure of the outcome of that thermometer.  I think they ended up taking it in my ear and not the rear. Well. This is an edit to this post.  After my sista read it, I received an email from her shortly after:


"Looks like your memory needs some refreshing...You REFUSED to open your mouth to have your temperature taken. REFUSED. And those slit eyes were there.. soooo...because you REFUSED, they turned you over-and well--there is the 'rest of the story!"

So.  I repressed some memories.  I finally stopped getting croup in my teens.  I actually looked forward to it because I was home from school for at least one week.  My mom fed me ice cream and milkshakes. I could watch The Nutcracker Prince all day long on Paperview due to my brother's sweet, sweet job at Continental Cablevision.  And, everyone had to be nice to me. 

I hope I get croup this year.

Like I said, this was a quick one.  Enjoy Columbus Day, bitches. And for all you Canadians, Happy Thanksgiving.